Blog It Out.

someday...

2012-02-16T16:02:00.003-05:00

...this...

...will be me with my kid with my dogs.

except the dogs will be corgis.

comeback percentage.

2012-02-16T09:18:00.001-05:00

i know it’s hard but
you’ve gotta deal with it
why don’t you look around
show me what you’re made of
don’t turn around
go get your gun ready
everyday there’s a way to do it just right

and you would have it your own personal ghetto

but no one's forcing you to stay there

the conspiracy that’s forever un-forming in your head
it's just not real

i don’t resent you but i can't settle the debt of our
surreal history and those i haven’t got over yet

and it cheapens us the way you and i
torment each other
its just the way we combine

that's right.

2012-02-14T12:41:00.002-05:00

this grandma got it right. we live in a society where scandal and gossip is what we thrive on (i definitely fall into this camp). but, sometimes, we all need a reminder that amidst what we really like to talk about (other's downfalls and mistakes), there are/were good times, too. we're not superheroes. we're not perfect. we're human. and that means that even when we do things that can be pretty awful to either ourselves or others, we can't be reduced to just those actions. we're more than that, and it's important to remember.

get what you give.

2012-02-13T08:55:00.001-05:00

my favorite meditation (aside from mindful eating...yummmm) is known as metta, or loving kindness. in fact, it's my favorite SO MUCH that i'm going to use this space to share instructions on how to do it with you.

center yourself. this can be done by focusing on your breathing, thinking about the totality of your body in the space that you're in, etc. don't move on until you've found a place where you are calm and centered.
start with yourself. this meditation is made of three phrases that get repeated over and over again. these are phrases of loving kindness. the goal/point of using the phrases is to use them as a vehicle to push thoughts and emotions of loving kindness to whomever or whatever is the focus. so, we start with ourselves.

first, send thoughts and emotions of happiness to yourself by saying, "may i be happy." when you feel that you have accomplished this to satisfaction, move on.
then, send thoughts and emotions of peace to yourself by saying, "may i be peaceful." when you feel that you have accomplished this to satisfaction, move on.
finally, send thoughts and emotions of freedom from suffering to yourself by saying, "may i be free from suffering." when you feel that you have accomplished this to satisfaction, move on.

once you've sufficiently meditated on yourself, you can move on to other people or things. traditionally, after the self, one moves on to wish a beloved person (someone you care about and love very much) and a neutral person (someone you could care either way about, like your barista or bus driver) the same three things above in succession. beyond that, you can pretty much insert anyone into the mix. traditionally, this meditation ends with sending the above three things to everyone in the world.

***

when i do this meditation, i typically take 15-20 minutes to do it, and i only focus on me, a beloved person, a neutral person, a difficult person, and the world.

i have cried every time i get to the difficult person.

choose your choice, part 2.

2012-02-11T13:24:00.001-05:00

as much as things don't sit well with me, as much as the imbalance of power exists, as much as i could harbor anger or resentment for the way things are...my resistance is in my compliance. i have thought and thought and thought much more than this blog will ever let on...and the reason why i haven't practiced self care in the form of standing up for myself is because i see the value in the greater balance of things. if it is true that freedom comes at the expense of security (both hers and mine), then i choose to honor her experience and her needs. as much as i can recognize the way i feel about all of this, i can also recognize just how much she needs it. it is not neglect of the self. it is not martyrdom. it is a deliberate choice. because the only way to move forward is to think outside of the box (like acknowledging that emotions can be good indicators of how strong you feel, but maybe bad bases of action), to create resistance in safe spaces (by building a community, by writing to communicate), to self care in ways that are productive (through training the mind and body to withstand instead of avoid)--and to choose these actions and words purposefully in ways that make both of us better people.

***
i love her. so much. i hope she sees it. i hope she knows it. i hope she feels it.

freedom.

2012-02-10T21:00:00.001-05:00

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me
--George Michael, "Freedom 90"

free at last?

what is it to be free? sociologists have tackled this question time and time again, so it's not surprising that the book i'm currently reading offers an answer: zygmund bauman's Liquid Life discusses what it means to live in today's society of "liquid life," or a world where consumerism is our main mantra. one of the pillars of his argument is that we've been thrown into a society (a world?) where we have begun to value freedom and choice over traditionalism and treasures. to put it in terms my environmentalist friends can understand, we value recycling things into something new...but not reusing what is old. makes sense to me.

bauman says that the tough part about living in a world like this is that we oscillate between valuing freedom (because it means choice) and valuing the familiar (because it is secure). he argues that we rationalize our freedom so that we can strive to get it (and strive away from security)--but (shockingly) this makes us feel insecure. in the end, he says that what this means for individuals searching for their identity is that they never find it because they are never satisfied, they feel as if they're missing something, they feel that their search must go on. they overlook what they have in front of them because their sights are always set on the unknown that lies ahead. and then they miss out on who they really are.

"By those who practise and enjoy it, the new 'unfixedness' of the self tends to be referred to by the name of 'freedom.' One can argue, though, that having an unfixed identity that is eminently 'until further notice' is not a state of liberty but an obligatory and interminable conscription into a war of liberation that is never ultimately victorious: a day-in, day-out battle, with no respite allowed, to get rid of, to put paid to, to forget [emphasis his].... Drifting from one episode to another, living through each successive episode while oblivious to its consequences and even more ignorant of its destination, guided by the urge to efface past the actor's identity is forever struck in its present, denied now its lasting significance as the foundation of the future....The sole 'identity core' which one can be sure will emerge from the continuous change not only unscathed but probably even reinforced is that of homo eligens -- the 'man choosing' (though not the 'man who has chosen'!): a permanently impermanent self, completely incomplete, definitely indefinite -- and authentically inauthentic."

***
in this quest for self-fulfillment, for self care, where lies the balance between freedom and security? unfortunately, bauman thinks that most cannot find such a balance: "the price of survival is the 'transformation of ideas into domination.'"

hello, feminist literature.

much can be said about the wide swath of feminist literature in existence, the various waves of feminism, and the various disciplines (academic and otherwise) that it affects. the one thing that can't be argued is the fact that all feminist literature is concerned with issues of power. from the time that foucault began his movement away from structuralism (arguably by the time he wrote Discipline and Punish, if not earlier), feminists have long sought to understand why power is wielded by those who have it at the expense of those who do not. feminists are concerned with excesses of power (force) and the ability to overthrow or counterbalance power (choice).

why choice and not freedom? well, for the reasons that bauman gives in the large quote above. what is freedom, really? are any of us free? what is the point of chasing freedom if all it does is enslave us in a cycle of unfulfilled uncertainty? choice, on the other hand, can be made concrete. when one group has fewer true choices than another group, that can be seen and felt and understood. it can be changed. choice, then, is a means of power--and the true counter to force.

***
i was out last night, and sara asked, "don't you want to be with, like, someone who can communicate?" ouch. mostly because i'm fairly sure others have asked that question with reference to me as the non-communicator. and knowing that doesn't sit well with me.

what sara was getting at, though, was the imbalance of power that exists in my life right now, the fact that i have been forced to cease communication, forced to be silent though i have things to say. and though my argument back is that maybe i need that, the counterargument has always been, "well, maybe you need to learn that, but no one should force you to learn it." the point being that in taking away my choices, in making me unequal, i am not free to choose. i am dominated. power is wielded over me. and in compliance, i allow it. i perpetuate it. i affirm it and say that it's okay.

what has not been sitting well with me (or, clearly, with people who have heard the story) is that while i am justifying my actions right now (i don't have time, i got a new job, school is crazy, i want to see more of my friends, blah blah), everyone knows that these are all justifications that i have to make--because i don't have a choice. i have to do these things. i won't ever know if i would otherwise. i won't ever know if this is truly the path i choose. because i don't actually choose it. i pretend to. but let's be real: i don't.

***
in sociology, we study free spaces as spaces within which resistance to power is nurtured, is safe. this blog has been my free space. but i'm not so sure how free of a space it truly is. and i'm also not so sure just what kind of (if any) resistance i have in me.

take care.

2012-02-10T17:29:00.002-05:00

my former roommate called me a few weeks ago. he's been on the job search for a while, and now is the point where he's turning to retail. he's been there before, was even a manager. so he knows it well. he called me with a dilemma: job a (the job he wants) can't commit, and job b (a job that has been skeptical of his ability to commit--and one he's less enthusiastic about) wants to train him tomorrow. he had called job a, and they told him that they were "95% sure" that he would be hired. he didn't want to screw over job b by showing up to training and then leaving--since he had been a manager before, he knew what that was like. what to do?

days later, i asked him what he ended up doing. he lied to job b so that he could train with them later if need be (he told them that he had to go out of town to be with his family). he told me he felt awful, mostly when the folks at job b told him to take his time...and that they would transfer him to a spot near his family if he needed.

when i asked him most recently how things were going, he told me that he got job a! ...and that he'd tell job b about it as soon as he heard about other potential opportunities. after all, they gave him time...

***
one of the things i've had to teach myself since allyson and i broke up was that i really need to put myself in situations where i take care of myself before i try to take care of someone else. i'm a fixer. this is not what comes naturally to me. but part of my path this past summer has really been to try to find a way to learn to take care of myself, to really figure out what that means and how to do it.

i picked up yoga and now meditation as a means of figuring this stuff out. both of these things are great for learning about self care because they provide a safe space to experiment--a place where you can try new things and see if you like them, see if they really do help keep in mind what it is to take care of yourself. aside from the safe space to practice, they give you things to practice on. in yoga, you literally stretch your body. in meditation, you're stretching your mind. in both, you want to push yourself to do something you maybe didn't think you could do before...but if it hurts, it hurts and you should stop. and in yoga or in meditation (as in anywhere), it's okay to stop.

as yoga or meditation instructors are wont to do, they will often try to help a yoga or meditation student as the student tries to stretch either body or mind. this is a good thing because sometimes we limit ourselves in what we can and can't do. in child development, this is called scaffolding--creating a scaffold upon which the learner can stand so they can reach their goal. here's the interesting thing, though: instructors can't scaffold unless the learner communicates her or his goals. and instructors don't know how hard to push if learners can't take care of themselves in the process by saying, "stop!" when they need to. through yoga and meditation, i have found that it's up to me to be able to tell others when i need to stop. i can't expect others to know. and others can't expect to make me stop farther or sooner than i want. only the individual knows her or his zone of proximal development. part of taking care includes communicating our zone to others who want to actively participate in our growth.

interestingly, a few days after i wrote the above, this derby article came out pretty much saying the same things as applied to derby.

***
i dated someone a long, long time ago. beyond the time we dated, we remained good friends. in a short time, she learned me so well. i knew her. but then something happened between us. i needed to stop. i needed to take care of myself. so i did. i haven't spoken a word to sarah since then. we're facebook friends, and every once in a while, i look at her page to see what she's up to. i don't email or call or text her because i stopped doing that a long time ago. i broke that connection. and now that i want it back, i'm finding that the only thing left of that rare and wonderful connection is me looking at her facebook page. my therapist said, "well, when someone stops communicating in a relationship, doesn't that effectively end the relationship? and if you end a relationship, what's left? nothing."

at what point does taking care of yourself hurt your relationships instead of help? at what point does self care (looking out for yourself) become selfishness? in the story about my roommate above, he was taking care of himself the whole time. at what point, though, does "looking out for myself" become "taking a job away from someone else who needs one"? in the story about sarah, at what point did my protection of myself become the disintegration of a very solid more-than-friendship into, well, nothing?

i wrote about balancing in relationships a while back, but really this applies to all human interaction: when thinking about yourself and self care, at what point do you stop thinking about your issues and start thinking about others? when thinking about others, at what point do you start thinking about yourself?

these aren't easy questions with straightforward answers. really, i think john legend is most correct when he says, "everybody knows that nobody really knows how to make it work or how to ease the hurt."

justice.

2012-02-07T14:55:00.000-05:00

there are few times when what makes the daily news literally moves me to tears. this is one of those times.

it's not that i'm a staunch gay marriage supporter. i actually don't know where i stand on the issue. it's more about the bigger picture, the fact that these judges, in their reading and understanding of the constitution, in their seats as objective (or as objective as possible), they have ruled what we already know: that turning discrimination into law only perpetuates inequality, that codifying opinions into rule only diminishes everyone's quality of life--that the use of power to denigrate a group of people for who they are is simply unjust and wrong.

score one for the little guy. it's not about marriage. it's not about being gay or straight or anything else. it's about respecting one another, about treating one another as individuals, as people just like you and me, as humans with thoughts and feelings and emotions. this, understanding that we are no better and no worse than anyone else--regardless of who they are, who we are, what they have done, what we have done, who they love, who we love--understanding that we are all just people, this is what gives us our humanity.

turn the dial on my words.

2012-02-04T13:36:00.001-05:00

the other night, i was in the foundation room at the house of blues. i stood by a couch holding a glass of white wine. the one person i knew in the room was no where to be found. so i watched everyone else. i watched the extroverts walk up to groups and introduce themselves. i watched the group's reaction exuding genuine interest at a new friend or slight annoyance at the interruption. i watched a man do exactly what i was doing. yogi berra once said, "you can observe a lot by just watching." true. also, you can wonder a lot, too.

i spend most of my day alone. often, i spend that time looking at others and wondering what they're thinking in the moment, what has happened to them just prior to me noticing, what they will go home to, what their lives are like. do you ever wonder these things?

i approach the 70 bus to see the bus driver sitting, eyes closed in the 10 minutes she has before she needs to drive again. an almost anguished look on her face. what happened on the ride over? | i take the escalator up from the t, and a butch lesbian woman, dressed quite dapper with earphones in ears and ipod in hand. all of a sudden, joy takes over her face. what song just came on? | i sit on the train and notice the man dressed in black. he has to take two trips onto the train before the door closes, trying to get all of his plastic bags filled with paper in a pile just inside the door. he works quickly, his backpack open also spilling with paper. where did he get the paper from? where will he go with it? why has everyone moved to avoid him? | i cross the street, aware of the cars as they approach the crosswalk. i look into the eyes of the women in the car as it slows to let me through. she smiles a genuine, kind smile. what kind of day is she having?

the other night, i saw extremely loud and incredibly close, and i couldn't help but want to do what the protagonist in the story did: knock on doors, learn someone's life, and take pictures. a good photographer is bold without being intrusive. they learn to seek permission, but to find the places where the subject is real, is themselves. where the subject lets down their guard just long enough to show the camera their humanity. because we all have stories, but few people ever ask. we all have these moments, but rarely allow others to peer in to have these moments with us.

"all these things about me, you never can tell."

choose your choice.

2012-02-02T23:41:00.002-05:00

"...when things go wrong, we try to fix the outside so much, but our control of the outer world is limited, temporary, and often, illusory. So now, look at inner conditions. Aren't they stronger? Isn't it the mind that translates the outer condition into happiness and suffering?"

in this quote, matthieu ricard is talking about options. basically, he's saying that in any given life situation, if we're looking to the external world to provide us with our options, we're limiting ourselves. that's because the wealth of options lies within us--particularly in how we want to frame the situations we come across. if we were to look at life in this way--with our frame of mind as an option and potential portal to more options--we might find that there are so many things we can do.

one thing i'm learning is that within the range of options you consider, you always have the option to stop whatever it is you're doing. "stop what your doing" opens up more options. you don't have to escalate a fight. you don't have to keep enjoying the moment. you don't have to stick with the plan. it's okay to change. (it's kind of like how the first thing you learn in policy school is that when you consider writing policy options, "do nothing" is always an option...which in turn ripples into needing to think of new angles from which to look at an issue.) despite the fact that this simple analogy is one that i should easily grasp, it's something that i've only recently caught on to. i've always liked (loved?) options. i try to keep as many of them open as i possibly can, just so i know i don't have to do any particular thing, but it seems that remembering that "stop what i'm doing" is always an option is difficult for me. it's not something that is a given, but i'm learning that it's not a bad option to have around. so i'm learning to incorporate that into my landscape of options, each an every time.

"Now, it takes time because we -- it took time for all those faults in our mind, the tendencies, to build up, so it will take time to unfold them as well. But that's the only way to go. Mind transformation -- that is the very meaning of meditation. It means familiarization with a new way of being, new way of perceiving things, which is more in adequation with reality, with interdependence, with the stream and continuous transformation, which our being and our consciousness is."

"A violinist, as we heard, who has done 10,000 hours of violin practice, some area that controls the movements of fingers in the brain change a lot, increasing reinforcement of the synaptic connections. So can we do that with human qualities? With loving kindness, with patience, with openness?"

incorporating this "stop what i'm doing" into my repertoire of options isn't easy. it means thinking outside the box and trying to do things that don't come naturally. it means being uncomfortable. it means admitting i was wrong. it means wanting to be better--and actively working toward it. it's hard. it's frustrating. but it can be done. and i'm going to prove it.

***
the hardest part was finding the motivation to act. now that i'm acting, now that i can actually see myself moving forward instead of stagnating in a place of merely wanting to act, instead of being in a place that was all talk and no action, i wish my motivation had come sooner than it did. while i wouldn't have been able to do things differently at the time, i guess i chose my choice from the few options i allowed myself to see...and now i'm learning to move forward and live with it. i learned my lesson, but it cost me dearly.

let it go.

2012-01-31T21:17:00.001-05:00

here are nine dots:

your task, should you choose to accept it: draw in four connected, straight lines--without retracing--that connect all of the dots. do it, don't analyze it. just do it.

***
the student threw a pebble into the pond. the teacher told the student to stop the ripples. so the student waved his hands into the pond to stop the ripples...but that just made more ripples appear. exasperated, the student looked to the teacher.

if the teacher followed the zen tradition, she would ask the student to figure out how to not throw the pebble into the pond.

if the teacher practiced mindfulness, she would ask the student to figure out how to not wave his hands in the pond.

***
so here's something you don't hear me say everyday: i have been living an inconsistent life.

while i profess my love of the teachings of taoism and my attempt to follow those teachings as often as possible, i've learned that some of the things i've been doing aren't so taoist at all. on the logical level, duh. i mean, if you know about taoism, then you probably can point out the significant points in my everyday being where i am not taoist at all, where i don't even pretend to be or attempt to be. well, i just figured that out. sue me.

it turns out, i've been living more like the zen teacher, trying to put out fires before they start, trying to be proactive and preventive, trying to be vigilant in acting before getting to the point of no return because "i know what is going to happen" at the point of no return. hm.

if i really wanted to be taoist, i'd have been living more like the teacher who practices mindfulness: letting the moment be what it is, letting it wash over me, acknowledging and feeling it, and then letting it pass. because everything, like the ripples in the pond, passes. nothing is permanent. and that means everything is changing. and just because we dislike change doesn't mean it won't happen. and just because we prefer to control change, doesn't mean it won't smack us from behind.

i don't think i've been entirely wrong living a preventive life. i think it's one piece of the puzzle, and i think i've learned to identify and place that piece quite well in a variety of situations. with that, i'm a pro. it's the taoist part, the part where i look my emotions in the eye, where i sit with them, where i tell myself that those emotions will leave just as soon as they came...it's dealing with disaster or triumph or what have you when it comes as it comes (as opposed to preventing it) that i need to work on...because i haven't yet had enough practice to be good at it.

it's time to start thinking outside the box and actually practicing what i preach. because if i don't, i really won't be who i want to be.

do it. don't analyze it. just do it.

speaking of silly.

2012-01-31T00:25:00.002-05:00

speaking of silly, my sister and i have a bet going on.

today is my mom's birthday, so my sister has been calling me with her annual reminder to call mom and tell her happy birthday. she doesn't actually have to remind me (i remember on my own), but it's a fun ritual nonetheless. so my sister calls today, and we get into the (also annual) discussion of how difficult it is to find my mom a present because she shops all the time and has everything she wants or needs. if only we could get her something that money could not buy...

and this is where our research minds started to race. we turned our mom's birthday into a game. a competition, if you will. for our mother's love. the game: we each draw a birthday card for our mom. the winner: the person whose card is not seen in the recycle bin tomorrow morning.

the rules:

cards must use only a single, white 8.5 x 11'' piece of paper.
cards can only be drawn with sharpies. they may be colored.
cards must incorporate a dinosaur.

fingers crossed that my mom either recycles both or keeps both. because if my mom just keeps mine, i think my sister will be crushed (j/k...that's just a little friendly competitive trash talk).

my card:

***

i know that as i write this, my sister has brought both of these cards to dinner where my dad, aunt, uncle, and cousin will get to see what we've made for our mom. they'll all have a good laugh. likely, since i'm not there, people will make fun of my card and how awful it is. my sister will recount the story of how we decided to make these cards, and this birthday will become an entry in my family's oral tradition.

one of the best things about my family is that they remind me to be silly, to be loving, to be creative, to be daring, to be me. they remind me to laugh, to smile, to enjoy others' company when that opportunity is given to me. they remind me to not take myself seriously, to be sassy and respond to criticism with spunk, to be strong. they give me a safe space to show who i am--and they love me for it.

i love them, too. and i miss them.

happy birthday, mom.

don't you forget...

2012-01-30T16:33:00.002-05:00

...that what might seem like a silly idea can actually turn into something pretty cool.
...to not take things so seriously.
...to look up.
...to smile.
...to take the time to be joyful.
...to breathe.

plus.

2012-01-28T17:43:00.001-05:00

i'm not going to claim that the past few weeks have been easy, but i will say this: this mandated focus on myself has been a hugely positive experience. no, i'm not even close to being perfect at the changes i've made/had to make, but, barring the few hurdles still in existence, i'm in a space that allows me to see the many good things that are happening: my mind is clearer, my body is (getting) healthier, my work is complete, my roommates are good friends, and my friends are part of my life again.

years ago, i dropped out of being a part of the world in order to be with someone i loved. this summer, i tried to get back in it (which kind of worked). now, i'm back in the groove, and it feels quite good.

***
if only i could share these triumphs with someone. after all, what is success if, at the end of the day, all you come home to is an empty room?

thank you for being a...

2012-01-28T00:36:00.002-05:00

one of the things that i love about my friends, that i will never stop loving, is that they keep it real. they tell me how i can be better. they don't sugar coat it, they don't kiss my ass. they tell me what i do wrong, when i do it, and how to improve. but they also remind me what i'm worth. they assure me--and reassure me--that i am worth something, that i should be valued.

***

you are the company you keep.

if that's true, then i'm in pretty damn good shape.

movie in my mind.

2012-01-27T17:48:00.000-05:00

sometimes i notice scenes in real life that play out as if part of a movie...

[camera rolls up elm street toward cherry, rounds corner onto cherry, stops abruptly as it runs into two people huddled over bags on the wet ground.]

man: oh, it's not a problem.
woman [gathering bags]: it's really not a big deal...thank you.
man [gathering other bags]: really, it's alright.

[woman and man begin walking up the street. camera follows directly behind them.]

man: i just know how it is to not have a car.
woman: yeah, i thought i was having ten people over for dinner...and i just found out that it's more like twenty.
man: whoa!

[camera moves across the street, in front of man and woman as they continue to walk up the street.]

woman: yeah, it was a little surprise. i don't mind, but it was just surprising.
man: what's the occasion?

[man and woman cross street toward camera.]

woman: it's my birthday.
man: well! i'm glad i stopped then. consider this a birthday present. happy birthday.
woman [gesturing toward a house in front of camera]: well, this is it...you don't have to go out of your way, you can leave these out here.
man: i don't mind carrying them in, if you don't mind.
woman: oh...well, if you don't mind...

***
i wonder what happened next. did they part ways never to see each other again? did she get his number? did he get hers? did she invite him to dinner? did she deliberately not invite him to dinner so that she could tell her friends the story?

sometimes it's fun to play out the what ifs in my mind.

all signs point to...

2012-01-26T12:45:00.000-05:00

i tend to not read into "signs." i'm not the kind of person to analyze dreams. i don't really think that fate exists.

but today, various things have floated into my inbox that make me wonder... starting with: positive derby emails (getting shit done!), productive school emails (more shit done!), encouraging work emails. and then: a friend's story of being pursued by a really nice guy, another friend's story of watching lunar new year fireworks in shanghai with his boyfriend, and a text message transcript of late night flirting.

and then this:

i think the only definitive conclusion i can draw from all of this is: today will be a good day.

overwhelmed.

2012-01-24T12:19:00.000-05:00

And you're getting too close
You're getting too close
You're getting to close to your soul

You've done the impossible now
Took yourself apart
Made yourself invulnerable
No one can break your heart
so you break it yourself
--Andrew Bird, "Eyeoneye"

it's complicated.

2012-01-23T16:42:00.004-05:00

i wrote the post below sometime in august 2011. i'm not sure why i didn't post it--it was completely finished. i guess i thought she might read my blog and be scared or maybe i thought she'd pull away if she knew what i was thinking. i was reading through my many unpublished posts and thought that this was most appropriate for right now, strangely, even though the circumstances under which this was written were completely different. i really wish things were different.

***

She grew on him like she was a colony of e-coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.--a quote from a list of ridiculous similes and metaphors written by high school students from Erin Q.

people are confusing in general. people confuse me even more when it comes to romantic relationships. it should be pretty clear from my previous post that i now do a lot of processing around who and what is healthy and good for me (this is a good thing), but that i'm worried that the general practice might bring more complication down the road (potentially bad thing?). so now i'm thinking, what next?

erin q. has been sending me random musings during her summer off, and the above quote pretty much sums up the state of my life right now. my summer was going swimmingly--goals set, focus high, distractions moderate and acceptable. i was having so much fun doing what i wanted when i wanted because i wanted...and then i met her. and my summer, which i thought was going swimmingly, paled in comparison to my summer with her. it's not that the things i did changed, it's more that i now had someone to do them with. i wasn't changing my goals or my focus, but my distraction was now my companion in my pursuit of the former.

there's a foster the people song, "waste," where one of the lines is "you know it's funny how freedom can make us feel contained / yeah, when the muscles in our legs aren't used to all the walking." well, that's just it. what's freedom if not shared?

so what's so complicated? well, you can't give two people who desire contained freedom a little companionship and expect them to not feel conflicted. ack! "but i really wanted to finish this summer out truly being single. i wanted to prove to myself that it was possible." or how about: "being in a relationship is more complication than i know i can allow in my life right now." these are all legitimate! they're real! but then there's what kat told me a couple weeks ago:

Anyone can have sex. But it takes an emotional connection to have that kind ofreally good sex, and THAT is really hard to find--and keep. When you find that, you don't let that go.

and i think therein lies the rub: here's a person who doesn't impinge upon my being. not at all. in fact, she only enhances it. she is a healthy person who not only supports, but pursues healthy behaviors and actions and words. so what logical person passes up the chance to see what a relationship with such a person could turn out to be? i'll tell you: the logical person who is guarded because she is skeptical of relationships and who is scared that this one might actually turn out to be a good one...because she doesn't know how to act in good relationships. throw in the fact that she's in the same spot, and you have a recipe for...it's complicated.

***

but the taoist in me says to roll with it--beyond definition, beyond decision--because wondering if is worse than treading lightly with someone who shares a mutual respect for having a strong connection. so, i suppose, here we go.

literary sparring.

2012-01-22T14:15:00.001-05:00

i lived in dc one summer and had no friends, no money, and a lot of time. thrift stores, whatever entertainment my roommates had at the house (which included their band practices and parties), and booze were what fed my soul that summer. i found bukowski on my roommate's bookshelf (sometimes i think he drew inspiration for "charles kil" and "molly maroon" from reading so much bukowski). preparing for a long, lonely bus ride to cleveland, i snatched up Women and have had respect for bukowski's raw irreverence, his ability to lay pain bare for the reader to choose to hold, ever since. his work reminds me of the time i spent alone, the time i took to find myself, of wrestling with my own identity. his work reminds me of why i seek to share the way i see the world with someone, so that they might understand, instead of allowing my glimpses of raw beauty and pain to press on my back alone.

Carson McCullers

by Charles Bukowski

she died of alcoholism
wrapped in a blanket
on a deck chair
on an ocean
steamer.

all her books of
terrified loneliness

all her books about
the cruelty
of loveless love

were all that was left
of her

as the strolling vacationer
discovered her body

notified the captain

and she was quickly dispatched
to somewhere else
on the ship

as everything
continued just
as
she had written it

***

i know your name is charles kil
and you live with your parents still
and they taught you not to believe
in the lust or the cuff of your sleeves
but i live with my friends on the street
and they taught me not to worry about those kinds of things
just
move on, move, move on
there's a lot of changes i could make in my life
don't you have the same in yours?
--the run-in, "charles kil"

times like this.

2012-01-21T04:05:00.002-05:00

i took the photo above this morning as i was on my way to the t. there are two things i love about a fresh snowfall. first, i love snow as it's falling. there is nothing like the stillness of a snowfall, the silence, the quiet. it's as if the whole world knows what is going on, and it commands a reverence from you and everyone and everything else, a respectful hush. it's pretty, it's slow, it's joyous and a smidge sad all at once. it's beautiful.

the second thing i love is what trees look like after the snow stops falling. they look like the picture above, outlined in white. they hold on to a bit of the past, the night or morning or afternoon before the snow stopped falling. it's like they're keeping a bit of the memory with them, i suppose whether they want to or not. i find it so strange how these lines of white, really it's just water, can accumulate little by little...sometimes to the point where they become so heavy that the branches they fall upon break due to the sheer weight they impose. sometimes you can see a branch hang low, fighting to stay upright, to stay apart of the tree, to stay alive. and sometimes, just as in the picture above, you just see a branch holding its own, sliver of light upon it, slowly (but surely) melting away that snow.

nature often reminds us of just how fragile we are or can be, just how unpredictable, too.

***
it's times like this when i long for summer. i hold these two things in one hand, i know. but it's true, as it is with many things that have many facets.

i was pouring through some never-posted blog posts from the summer, and a short one, undone where it was but then near-completed elsewhere reminded me about possibly the best morning i've had in such a long, long time. somewhat cobbled together and made coherent (no, not quite the originals, but certainly what the originals intended to portray) here...

august 2, 2011
i woke to see a sight i never thought would actually happen. until today i didn't think wishes came true. but there it was, there i was, there she was. really there.

...and strangely the random radio that often plays in my head kept repeating:
"and every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
and every day that you want to wake, that you want to wake, you can
and every day that you want to change, that you want to change, you can
i'll help you see it through
'cause i really want to be with you."

i don't know what is happening nor what is going to happen, but i might be so bold as to make maybe another wish in hopes that it, too, might come true.

***
i wish i had another wish.

this bird's gotta fly...

2012-01-19T11:09:00.000-05:00

...but that doesn't make saying goodbye easy.

***

Hi everyone,

Sadly for us, Kim has acceptedanother position and her last day at EDC will be January 31^st. I know we will all miss having her around (me especially!). I want tothank Kim for her extraordinary contributions to our center and our projectsover the past 4 years. She has been a great colleague and friend, and Iwill certainly miss her.

We’ll be having a farewell lunchfor Kim next Thursday Jan 26^th – details to follow.

Sarita

despair.

2012-01-17T16:33:00.001-05:00

“Someway, baby, it’s part of me, apart from me.”
--Bon Iver, "Holocene"

listening to others, i've found that this first snow ushers in a point in time where the feeling of despair runs high and rampant. despair at situations beyond our control, from diagnoses that tell you that your loved one only has so long to live to the broken promises and trust in relationships. despair at not knowing where to go, what to do, how to be. despair at having your world flipped upside down from under you... and not knowing where to even begin to move forward in a direction you never anticipated.

two things: we are in this together and you will be okay.

***
at least, that's what i try to keep telling myself. maybe some day those things will come true.

dealing in precarity.

2012-01-16T19:29:00.002-05:00

yesterday, i read this awesome article on how to win carney games. in particular, the one that caught my eye was the "rope ladder." the thing about carney games is that you need to be able to win them in order for them to be considered legal, but even the ones that are legal have these tricks that you need to know how to do otherwise they're just going to take your cash. some carnies demonstrate how to win right in front of you--so obviously they can be won--but maybe you don't know the specific trick that'll get you that giant prize.

it's interesting learning the tricks of the trade because once you have a cheat sheet, you can see that they're pretty simple things. some of these things are pure physics. and some of these things require a little extra knowledge. but when it comes down to it, it's pretty easy to win most of these--provided you know what you're in for.

lately (as in the past day) i've been thinking about the rope ladder game. it's particularly intriguing to me because with one false move, you've lost. but, let's say you never read that article. how would you attempt to win at that game?

***
my love life has been a little like the rope ladder. well, at least since 2007 (bear with me through this awful analogy). before i get into it, something to know: i've been very wary of opening myself up to people i'm in a relationship with since the last real, honest and truthful relationship i was in. that ended in 2003. it's been a while, clearly. i've tried to slowly open myself up to people, only to shut down in some way for some reason. it's never really worked...and subsequently i've lost that easiness, the ability to fully trust. it's eroded over time from misuse and misjudgment. it seems to be one of those things that one needs to practice to keep. getting to a place where i can feel myself, at ease, completely trusting has been my own journey up a rope ladder. and i think my most recent experiences have made this game much more difficult than it used to be.

in 2007, i met someone who i was with on and off for about a year and a half. she was my partner in crime, and we were often out and about causing all kinds of shenanigans. she recognized my rope ladder journey and offered to help. i trusted her to do so. our strategy was that she would hold the ladder steady while i climbed. she tried...but she never knew that it wasn't something she could do. she tried, but she couldn't hold it steady. i'd fall. and fall. and fall. and every time, it was because she just didn't know that she couldn't hold it up. i was devastated. to the point of needing to rebuild myself. but i did, eventually.

in 2009, i met someone new who i was with for a little over a year, maybe a year and half. this time, she was just my partner, my wife to an extent. we had the same strategy: she held my ladder, i climbed. except this time, i didn't climb quickly, for fear that she wouldn't be able to hold the ladder steady enough. and i'd fall. and this time, she really did hold steady...until she realized that i was hesitant. that's when she learned to deliberately flip the ladder over for me and then blame me for moving slowly. it wasn't her fault ever, at least that's how the story went. and i'd fall. and fall. and everytime she told me it was my fault when, really, she never wanted me to get there in the first place. i was hurt, here as well, but not like before. at least here i learned to identify people who would set me up to fail instead of help me to succeed.

in 2011, i refused to give people like my previous two relationships a chance. i wanted a fresh start. i wanted someone new, different. i found her. and this time, our strategy with the rope ladder was different: i would take it on by myself and she would cheer me on. she was on her own rope ladder, though, and it's really hard to cheer one another one while you're both in precarious positions (though, if any of you are rock climbers, you know that it's possible). anyway, i've still fallen even though i've gotten farther on this ladder than i have ever before. the thing is, it's even more devastating because every time i fall, i know it's my own fault. on top of that, i can see my cheerleader being so let down by my own inabilities and insecurities. i guess i can only hope that my cheerleader and i can figure it out--that she even wants to keep doing it after seeing me fall so many times, after falling a little herself--so that we both get to where we want to be.

***
she keeps telling me she's lucky to have me.
i know that i'm the lucky one.

listen to the unsaid.

2012-01-11T23:00:00.002-05:00

my recent development (okay, so recent like last summer) has been trying to go to yoga on a regular basis. i am definitely no yoga aficionado...i just picked up the style of yoga my friend teaches and now that's the kind of yoga i do. so don't ask me about poses or equipment or retreats because that's totally not me. this post is about what i've learned in yoga thus far.

so, the style of yoga my friend, jess, teaches is called vinyasa, and its primary focus is on breathing. if you go to any vinyasa class, a good teacher will emphasize that your focus should be on your breath from the get-go. nothing else. it's not about how quickly you can get into the pose. it's not about how long you hold the pose. it's not about even completing the pose entirely. it's about making sure you're breathing correctly through the process. it's process-oriented, not outcome-oriented. because if you focus on the process, eventually over time you will reach the outcome you are aiming for (at least, that's how i take it in).

anywho, so the first few times i went to yoga, i totally didn't focus on breathing. no way. i focused on the fact that there was someone behind me and on either side of me who could see that i obviously didn't know what i was doing. i focused on the fact that the yoga instructor was going to probably come up to me and adjust me as some point and how awkward that might make me feel. i focused on the babes in class. and the not babes. really, i focused on everything that i wasn't supposed to be focusing on.

but then, one day, i decided that i would actually try to focus on something else. you know, maybe oh let's say my breathing. my challenge to myself was to stay as focused on my breathing for as long as i could. and maybe refocus if i could. let me tell you: it's harder than you think. and even in my few minutes of actual focusing, i can tell you that what results is pretty awesome.

so, i'm just going to say right now that i'm not a pro at focusing on my breathing. i have gotten better over time, but i still can only keep focus for so long before a thought or a noise or something shiny comes out and distracts me. but i've learned something important from the moments when i do focus: there is a calm that is amazing to find, and this calm exists within me. "horseshit," you say. i know. i know!

focus on breathing allows one to clear the mind; it creates a meditative-like state that pushes away all of the worries and frustration and thinking that we do (or at least i do) all the time. constantly. when you have something so simple as breathing to focus on, there's no time for figuring out what you're going to make for dinner or when you're going to write that paper. there's no room for worrying about if you said the wrong thing or if that was $20 well-spent. what is important is whether you notice...yourself.

you're looking for your intake of air, making sure your body is filled so that it is prepared to do some crazy pose that its never or barely done. you're noticing your expulsion of used air, allowing your body to bend, to move, to relax in contrast to its tension. you're keeping a rhythm that ensures that you don't hyperventilate; you take your time so that your movements match this rhythm in dance your body is coordinating with itself. you are listening for the noises your breath makes as you push air around and through your body, and you are keeping out all of the other things that typically drown yourself from you.

you are basically paying attention to what is keeping you alive.

***
one of the reasons i really enjoy yoga is this, this breathing. it's a time when i feel listened to, and even though i know it's just me listening, at least i know someone is listening.

i am and have almost always been constantly surrounded by people who are moving to their own beats so fast and so hard that they don't have time to take a breath. i very much so choose friends and romantic partners who live their lives in this way because i think it's a lifestyle that pushes them (and myself) forward. i find it incredibly inspiring, and i try to remain as supportive of people as they pursue what they want, be it a career goal, a hobby aspiration, a higher score or better time in their sport, or maybe even just a new year's resolution. but that leaves little time for paying attention, for listening, for noticing all of the things that remain quiet.

***
often, the quiet is forgotten. often, the quiet is overrun or just plain ignored. but if you took the time to listen to the quiet, to the unsaid, to the softspoken, you might find that there's a lot to learn, a lot to hear, almost a whole other world that is often rendered silent by the fast-paced movement of our everyday lives.

steam for my engine.

2012-01-09T12:16:00.001-05:00

ooohhhhh man. last i wrote, there were plenty of thoughts jumbled in my brain. weeks later, there are plenty more...none of which have sorted themselves out. while things are shaking out, here are some pieces that have been getting me through my day(s)...

QUADRON - "EX-FACTOR" from Coco + Robin = Quadron on Vimeo.

have yourself...

2011-12-25T02:18:00.000-05:00

it's christmas eve, and as always i'm up late just waiting around for midnight mass (thank god they moved it up to 11:30pm) so that i can get to sleep which will get me that much closer to christmas! so, to pass the time, i'm blogging somewhat random, somewhat scattered scattered thoughts all strung together by a common theme.

first, for some reason the waiting for midnight mass on christmas eve is always epic for me. sure, on any other day of the year, i can stay up until and past midnight (now 11:30pm), but for some reason, it's always a struggle to make it to mass on christmas eve. my dad actually asked my sister and me why we don't open up our presents at midnight anymore, and i think the answer to that question also provides the answer to my "why is impossible to stay up late on christmas eve" mystery. when i was a kid, christmas was a huge to do--throughout christmas eve day the entire family would assemble at my grandma's house. as we waited for everyone to show up (and even beyond that), food would be cooking, smells of filipino and american food permeating the house. the more people in the house, the warmer it would get...and the more people i would have to play with or watch movies with. everyone would be tired from eating or driving or playing with kids or working earlier in the day, and one by one we'd doze and get up to eat and doze again until about 11:30pm when someone (probably a kid) would realize just HOW CLOSE it was until midnight. the kids would all somehow sense this around the same time, wake up all the grown ups, make everyone claim a spot in the living room, and the present sorting would commence. we'd one of the younger kids would play santa's helper and help deliver presents to their rightful owners, and once all of the piles of presents were given out, present opening would commence. it was amazing. then, we'd all pass out somewhere at my grandma's house (or maybe those of us who lived nearby would just go home) knowing that we'd have to be up early for church the next morning.

that hasn't happened in 15 years. since my grandma died, our family hasn't had the common thread that brings us together on christmas eve...and that means we've been pretty separate since then. my uncle and his family moved to the south, then the midwest. my aunt's family began to spend christmas eve with my uncle's side of the family. so now my christmas eves are spent waiting up, still feeling those feelings but without the smells and the excitement and the company. for the last few years, it's been me and mom and dad keeping this tradition alive, chatting with one another while wrapping last minute presents and prepping for christmas day cooking and dozing (that's my dad). it's not the same, though, and every year i reflect on what was, missing those days when my family was big and warm and full on christmas eve.

don't get me wrong--my family is now all of those things on christmas day: now, my parents' home is the hub for christmas day. everyone moseys on in at some point between lunch and dinner, and cooking occurs from 8am on through the day. my aunt's family, my cousin's young family, my sister's boyfriend, and even my dad's best friend are always around. there's always plenty to eat and drink and talk about. and at some point, someone gets antsy enough to gather everyone into the living room around my mom's avant garde christmas tree (this year, it's twigs in a giant vase decorated with ornaments and lights) where people claim their spots. in the past few years we've had two santa's helpers big enough to pass presents out to their matching people. and we all open our presents and laugh and talk and make fun together. it's a wonderful new tradition that started about 7-8 years ago...but i still long for those days when christmas eve was the magical time that it was.

***
ugh. mom's herding me out the door for midnight mass. we go to mass at midnight now because my dad sings in the choir. well, that and because then we can sleep in on christmas day. or, at least i can. my parents are usually up early getting those christmas days smells started and the house warm. time to head out early to claim some good seats...and to light candles for grandmas and liver donors.

more to come...

emo.

2011-12-09T17:56:00.001-05:00

balancing act.

2011-12-07T10:50:00.001-05:00

"a person may say she wants to be independent...but in the end, she needs to find a connection."

"if you keep your eyes open, a door will always open when another one shuts. options are always there."

"if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it."

yesterday was my last theory class of the semester. it's been a long, trying semester with our professor. while we've done a lot of learning (in my opinion), we've also done a lot of emotional maintenance. she brought us a cake to celebrate the end of the semester, and as we sat down to eat together, she said, "so tell me about your plans for winter break." for each person's plans, she "free associated" her own thoughts and memories. when one person mentioned going home to san diego, my professor told the story of her year spent in los angeles living with her mother. when another person described her family in vermont, my professor told us a story about getting into her car, her things packed in trash bags, and just driving all over the country and sleeping in her car until she reached the west coast.

at some point, my professor opened the card and present that the class collectively gave her, and she looked at the cat on the card's front panel and proceeded to convey to us that she was astounded by how much her cats communicate with her, how they respond to her questions just like people, how amused she was by this.

when we asked her what her plans were for the winter break, she told us that she was looking forward to losing herself in her office each and every day--writing, writing, writing from sun up to sun down. we smiled and nodded, knowing that she is dedicated to her work. after class, over drinks and without our professor, we all wondered if she really was going to write every day, if that truly did make her happy, if she was going to be alone that whole time...or if she had someone(s) to spend her break with.

***
you know, you hear from everyone that relationships are "hard work" and that they "get tough" sometimes. you hear it so much that you kind of know what to brace yourself for when you decide to begin a relationship. of course things will get rough. of course it'll be rocky and tumultuous. oh yes, of course.

no one ever tells you how just to deal with those tough times. no one tells you what kind of hard work you'll be putting in. or how to put said hard work in. or just how hard it'll be. or just how tough it could get.

in the last few weeks, i've been using "wants"/"needs" language A LOT. as with any time specific language is used a lot, i've started to question what these words actually mean (you know, think about when you say things like "mailman" over and over again, and you're like, "wait, what does that REALLY mean?"). well, okay. i don't actually mean it like that. but i did start thinking about the differences between "wants" and "needs." A LOT.

beyond the obvious "wants are things that you don't actually need; needs are things you actually need," there's a lot to think about. for instance, "wants" and "needs" can sometimes coincide, they can sometimes be the same things (e.g., "i want and need to go to sleep."). sometimes, "wants" and "needs" can be the same things at different times (e.g. "i want to go out to drink with friends, but i need to write this paper" vs. "i need to socialize with friends to keep my sanity, but i want to finish my assignments for the semester already."). there's a time and context component to "wants" and "needs" so that one might have multiple short-term "wants" or "needs" (re: can change the next day or hour or minute or moment) alongside multiple long-term "wants" or "needs" (re: visions for the future, desires for your career/life, etc.). this is all a very complicated business when you start to really dissect it, and i'm just talking about within a single person.

imagine, then, trying to smoosh two people's "wants" and "needs" together in a single relationship. how do you balance that? how do you as a unit, as a team, navigate what both people "want" and/or "need"? who takes precedence over whom? does anyone? if so, do you take turns? what is fair? what is equal? what is equitable? what if your "wants" and/or "needs" are in direct opposition to those of the other person? what then? i mean, it's stressing me out just writing about it, you know? imagine trying to wade through this!

the thing is, many relationships figure this out. it takes "hard work" and it "gets tough" though. but how do they do it? how do they figure it out? i'm still not sure. this whole process still eludes me, and i think that even if you were to give me tips on how you do it or did it, it might not work in my situation. one thing that i think is common across all balancing acts, though, especially those that work, that do figure it out, that do find a way to balance two whole people's "wants" and "needs" is this: both people want the other to succeed, they want the other person to get what they need, they want the other person to fulfill as many wants as are possible...and they both recognize the need for both people to work together to ensure this happens.

i guess it's not a matter of figuring out what one "wants" or "needs" in this moment or worrying about whether these things will change in five years. it's a matter of wanting (and recognizing the need) to work together to keep something good, something solid not just afloat, but to see it soar.

there's no i in team, and we all want to be on a team in the end.

sometimes, less is more.

2011-11-28T04:15:00.001-05:00

not raging against you

but against the idea

of what you could be

***

the trouble with you

is the possibility

of real happiness

thanksgiving song battle.

2011-11-23T10:38:00.001-05:00

it's been a while since kari and i have done this, and in honor of working the day before thanksgiving, here's our thanksgiving themed song battle:

Kari's new status message - Turkey Day Eve Song Battle...Bring it, Kim Lucas. Kickin it off: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PFERpWahZE

Kim's new status message - BAM: http://youtu.be/6G9dfW7nO3U

Kari: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFRm2srRC64 10:41 AM

Kim's new status message - oh, kari. thank YOU:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWbz_mIAShM 10:45 AM

Kari's new status message - I had to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0in244FNk8E   10:48 AM

Kim's new status message - i have to admit that miami sounds so nice right now as we sit in this...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SbUC-UaAxE&ob=av3e   10:48 AM

Kari's new status message - then my voice comes in..."pow"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jC8JTSsVp0   10:59 AM

Kim's new status message - but it's november already! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JeAP1KyPDzM   11:11 AM

Kari's new status message - ok, tom waits...really? that was just weird. if he's feeling that bad now...it's gonna be a looooong december. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1D5PtyrewSs   11:21 AM

Kim's new status message - well, Kari, I'm just glad we're not singing a white winter hymnal just yet http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrQRS40OKNE&ob=av3e   11:27 AM

Kari's new status message - Hmmm...i hope someone saves some "portions" of t-day dinner for those foxes (ok, this one's a reach). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtNV3pOqcjI   11:32 AM

Kim's new status message - i bet someone will save some sweet potato pie for them. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpD2L5J4CW4   11:39 AM

Kari's new status message - Then they will have such sweet dreams. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeMFqkcPYcg&ob=av2e   11:51 AM

Kim's new status message - and after that, they can get to the best part of thanksgiving: the leftovers! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0ZXJL0koHs   11:58 AM

Kari's new status message - C'mon Kim. You know ladies don't like to share:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzObsfboaJ0&ob=av2e   12:05 PM

***LUNCH BREAK***

Kim's new status message - oh, please. it's thanksgiving. won't you be so kind and generous? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdG618TMc5E   2:05 PM

Kari's new status message - Oh, I'm extremely generous. I'm even givin him somethin he can feel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jR0Uitq12FQ   2:41 PM

Kim's new status message - yeah, but don't get too generous. don't want to get too close now, do you?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoJfKEWf5i0   2:51 PM

Kari's new status message - Um...not so close, Kim.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNIZofPB8ZM&ob=av2n   3:00 PM

Kim's new status message - or you could just walk away. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1qPnSZDrAQ   3:08 PM

Kari's new status message - Kim, if you walk away...you better not turn around.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Us9O_Anwi_Q   3:13 PM

Kim's new status message - aw, it's thanksgiving. i just want to be with you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmjdaBaZe8Y&ob=av2n   3:21 PM

Kari's new status message - Aww...and I only wanna be with YOU, Kim. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZesRI6HhuXQ   3:26 PM

awwww! happy ending! and happy thanksgiving! gobble gobble!

in it to win it.

2011-11-07T17:20:00.001-05:00

UPDATE 11.14.11: total WIN. :)

deep thinking.

2011-10-22T01:15:00.001-04:00

i've been reading a lot of sociology theory lately (go fig), and my latest sociologist read: marcuse. marcuse wrote one-dimensional man in the early 1960s as he was trying to figure his way through marx combined with the sociological thought from his day combined with examples from current events.

part of his result was a conclusion that we stop ourselves from reaching the "second dimension" because we're just so falsely happy in our own "one dimensional" world. we trick each other (and ourselves) to love our lives because we *think* we're happy...when really, we could be so much better off if we only imagined an alternative. (i know, i know, this is getting highly abstract...bear with me and i'll bring it back.) the point is that we're afraid of or maybe not aware of the alternatives. so we don't/can't imagine what life could be like.

("bring it back now!" you say. okay, okay.)

how many times have you ever felt all the feelings? if you have, you know what i mean. you know, ALL of them. at once. it's overwhelming. it's scary. so what do you do? you shut them out. or maybe you just shut some of them out so that there's a manageable number instead of something unwieldy or overwhelming. that shutting out? yeah, that's convincing yourself that your one-dimensional life is grrrrreat. "no!" you say, "that's not what it is." mmhmm. it is. because if you didn't do that, you would have to deal with and/or take responsibility for those feelings. yikes! and then what? well, according to marcuse, you might actually embrace your second dimension. which is actually not all that bad. supposedly.

***

the past few weeks have been weeks where i have felt all the feelings. mostly, i've decided to do things like focus on work and school and just keep my little butt going from the time i wake until the time i sleep so that all the feelings don't get to me (or maybe don't get to me so much?). today, i'm thinking that it's time to do something about all the feelings because i simply don't have the energy to dedicate to keep them at bay. hopefully marcuse was right. second dimension, here i come.

the truth lies.

makes me miss waking up in my mom's house. awww.

2011-10-20T00:14:00.001-04:00

this is how you know we're sisters.

2011-10-13T14:03:00.000-04:00

context: discussing the link i posted on her facebook wall:

me: you didn't like the link i sent you?

Stephanie: I did!

i "liked" it

me: oh

hahahaha

that's like the opposite of what i just said

reblog this.

2011-10-07T17:03:00.000-04:00

because it's just a good idea (got said idea from here).

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

piece by piece. part 2.

2011-09-13T23:28:00.000-04:00

"education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire."
--william butler yeats

well, school's back in session. i went to dinner with alexis tonight and learned that (so long as my two courses transfer over) this year will be my last year of required college coursework. it's been a long time coming (my mom would not argue with that statement), and now that i'm realizing that i'm hitting a milestone in terms of my formal education, it's feeling pretty bittersweet.

it's not surprising, then, that this post focuses on education, on knowledge, on learning.

during orientation, the provost gave three pieces of advice that i actually took time to write down:

if you can't communicate your ideas, no one can tell how smart you are.
take risks. if you make no mistakes, you're being too safe.
take care of each other.

after dispensing this advice, he stated that these three things were essential to bear in mind if one was to acquire knowledge, to really learn.

***

i am a firm believer in the notion of lifelong learning. formal education comes to an end at some point or another. but that doesn't mean we need to stop doing the above. it's doesn't mean that life itself lacks those teachable moments, that the world can't provide us with all kinds of teachers, that we've hit our limit in terms of what there is to know. because there is always something new to know, to learn. there are always ways to challenge the self and to be challenged by others.

this can happen at school, at work, among friends, between romantic partners, and even with complete strangers.

it is in the most surprising moments when learning occurs. and those moments are beautiful.

***

i helped put on a conference about youth motivation over the past weekend. i was in charge of the youth attendees--nine youth who were invited to share their expertise as, well, youth.

toward the end of the conference, youth were asked to share their impressions as attendees. one by one, youth described their feelings of being experts in a roomful of adults, their moments of confusion and clarity, and their understanding of the conference itself. one youth, who had been completely fascinated (almost distracted) by my half sleeve tattoo peeking out from my rolled up long-sleeved shirt and my lip ring, took the mic. he stated, "well, i learned that people with tattoos and piercings can be professionals and have professional jobs." as i was standing next to him, i cringed. i cringed both because i was standing directly next to him (and my co-workers certainly knew that he was referring to me) and because i took his answer to be a joke about me juxtaposed with others' more serious answers.

and a day later, as i was finally able to process the events of the weekend, i remembered a conversation i had had in a small group of youth, that particular youth included. the conversation involved each of the youth describing those people in their families who had tattoos and piercings. it was embedded in the larger context of their experience growing up without much money, with peer influences that weren't necessarily positive, with living in the projects and long commutes to schools where teachers and counselors aren't helpful. and that day later, as i processed this conversation, i had my epiphany alone on the t: that youth was serious. he had never known anyone with tattoos or piercings in a position of power. until he noticed my half sleeve poking out of my rolled up long-sleeved shirt.

i wish i had learned what i learned a day earlier.

2011: summer of peeps. final update.

2011-09-13T22:56:00.000-04:00

GOT 'ER DUN.

you just do.

2011-08-29T12:28:00.002-04:00

piece by piece. part 1.

2011-08-24T01:46:00.009-04:00

Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
--Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"

i think one of the things that has been overwhelming me about writing has been that there's just so much to write. picking things apart into manageable chunks is a good start, and what better place to start than something that flows from my most recent weekend: katie and ricky's wedding.

over the weekend, buddies and i talked about taking part in a wedding where you just feel really good about the couple getting married--where you are confident, at least at that point in time, that the decision for these two people to get married just plain makes sense. katie and eric are one such couple. and, really, when i think about the other weddings i've been to most recently (abey and greg, kathryn and eugene, alexandra and brian), i think this as well.

one of the two readings used in katie and eric's wedding was a passage from the prophet on marriage. this wasn't the first time i had heard this passage read at a wedding, but i think it's entirely appropriate, the point being that being together doesn't mean being the same. in fact, it requires difference. and the only way to maintain difference enough to fuel being together is to remain distinct, to never compromise the self but to always share it--and to appreciate what is shared.

i see this in all of my models of good relationships: the stories of katie and ricky each allowing one another to be stubborn, abey holding down the fort as greg tours, eugene cooking dinner for kathryn after long days in the clinic, alexandra being the accountant for brian's business during her summers off, lauren and emily watching each others' races/games, melissa trying new restaurants with christine, carolyn jumping right in to hang out with the buddies when jason first started grad school. it's essential, it's necessary.

so there you go. piece one. in the middle of the night.

wild card inside.

2011-08-18T12:54:00.001-04:00

listening to the architecture in helsinki pandora station, and doing so elicited memories hidden deep in the recesses of my brain.

strange how the senses can evoke emotion.

family bbq.

2011-08-13T10:11:00.006-04:00

and yet another round of lucas family quotes. someone really needs to keep track of these things for posterity. oh, wait.

uncle: hey, what are those herbs? you know, the ones with the balls?
aunt: ....
uncle: come on, you know what i'm talking about. with the balls.
everyone: ....
uncle: i'm going to google this. [to dad]: i hope you're okay with all them pop-ups that are going to come up on your computer.
me: dad, he's going to download porn.
dad: oh cool.
uncle: oh, i know, i'll just look at your dad's history.

dad: i'm kind of weird.
uncle: why?
dad: because if i like someone, i invite them [to his bday party].
uncle: ...
dad: i invited my roofer. i like that guy.

[sister, sister's bf, and me try teaching mom about "that's what she said"]
me: it's like...sexual in nature.
sister's bf: do you get it now?
mom: uh, no.
sister's bf: well, i mean...
[mom gets up and walks away, talking as she walks]: i am walking away because it doesn't make sense.

[sister, sister's bf, and me try to further explain "that's what she said" to those who will listen]
sister: dad, you get it. you made the joke before. remember?
dad: no.
sister's bf: yeah, you do. in the kitchen. when we were talking about how big the sandwich was.
dad: oh. but that is just what she said.
...
...
dad: wait. we're talking dirty, huh?

[uncle does a magic trick where he makes a plate "disappear"]:
uncle: alakazaam!
karlie (unimpressed): i saw that.
(karlie is 3.)

sister: hey, mom. we should hooty-hoo when we get there.
mom: you can.
sister: no, mom. we ALL need to together. just think about how awesome it will be if we show up and all hooty-hoo together.
me: yeah, mom. let's practice. hooty-hoo!
sister's bf: hooty-hoo!
sister: hooty-hoo!
....
sister: mom, it's your turn.
mom: no.
sister: maybe she needs it to be a call and response.
me: okay. when i say, "hooty," you say, "hoo." hooty!
sister: hoo!
me: hooty!
sister's bf: hoo!
me: i don't think mom wants to do this.

me: okay, well, when we get to mom and dad's house, i need a minute to do some stuff.
sister's bf: yeah, i gotta poop.
sister: yeah, i gotta pack food for the week.
me: yeah, i need to blog all of the funny stuff we said tonight.

dad: what's this button say? "i'm not queer?"
me: untrue.
dad: hey! i'm not queer!
...
dad: fuck you.
me, sister, sister's bf: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[hanging out at my aunt's house]:
cousin: this is just like a full service bar without needing to pay for your beer
other cousin: this is true. mom does take tips, you know.
aunt: yes. and just so you know, i don't take coins.
me: oh shit, she's done this before.

2011: summer of peeps. update #3.

2011-08-08T02:42:00.005-04:00

CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP.

in my head.

2011-08-07T16:39:00.001-04:00

it's going down, i could see it going down.

...processing...

2011-08-05T16:44:00.002-04:00

every time i try to write about it, i get stuck. partly, i get stuck because i don't know how to articulate myself in a way that conveys what i think and feel (truly, i am speechless). partly, i'm just not ready to make things public, even on this blog that gets read by all of two people (and even though real life is much more public than online life)...maybe more processing is needed to remedy both of these things.

oh, processing. how i loathe you so.

the great escape.

2011-07-29T02:28:00.004-04:00

a couple months ago, i was in the middle of a therapy session going on about something completely mundane or inane, when my therapist says, "i'm proud of you." to which i'm like, "uh, why?" he went on to explain that what he had noticed was two things at once: my resilience in the wake of this most recent break up and my increasing ability to be critical of the new situations and new people in my life. "whaaat?" you say. well, that's what i said, too.

i've cried a total of one time over this past break up, and really that one time occurred in the midst of a heated and emotional debate that dredged up feelings of hurt and betrayal that i just couldn't keep at bay. and that was it. my therapist says it's a sign that i understand that some things are not my fault, that some people's problems are not mine to fix, and that i am capable of being an individual once again.

that's not what i want to write about though. i want to write about the second thing my therapist noticed: how critical (i think skeptical) i am of new things/people. my therapist thinks this is great because he says i'm learning to evaluate a situation before i get in too deep. he says it's helping me to relearn how to make good life choices for myself--how to identify people with problems bigger than me, how to steer clear of situations where i might compromise my integrity, how to communicate what i want, and how to walk away from occasions where i'm not treated with value. my therapist thinks i'm becoming more self-empowered, regaining a lot of lost self-esteem.

and while i agree with my therapist on the one hand, on the other hand, i think that i'm walking the line of shutting people out, of giving people just the surface of myself, of protecting myself so as to never, ever be taken advantage of again...i fear to the point of not being capable of being as open or as vulnerable as i know i can be. good thing? bad thing? i'm not sure.

i was watching grey's anatomy, and there was a quote that struck a chord with me:

it's easier to be alone. because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? what if you like it and lean on it? what if you shape your life around it and it falls apart? can you even survive that kind of pain? losing love is like organ damage, it's like dying. the only difference is death ends. this, it can go on forever.

true story, i think. i think that yes, my therapist is right: i'm learning to protect myself. but i think i'm also learning to fear what happens when i actually meet someone who i don't have to protect myself from. it's been so long since i've met a potential s.o. who isn't overcome by their own selfishness to meet me halfway, to ask me what i need, to simply share in a moment without making that moment solely about them (sad truth, i know). so let's say i meet this person. then how do i act? then what happens? then how resilient will i be? i honestly have no idea. and that scares the hell out of me.

"are you free or are you tied up?" ack. too much thinking makes my brain hurt.

time for an escape.

we can take time, so much time.

2011-07-13T22:59:00.001-04:00

2011: summer of peeps. update #2.

2011-07-12T00:05:00.012-04:00

TO BE CONTINUED.

in good form.

2011-07-05T12:19:00.003-04:00

running is an individual sport. it's a mind game more than a physical challenge. it's you versus yourself, in your own head. you're trying to get around your own psyching yourself out. you're trying to push beyond the artificial limits you've set for yourself. and you know you can.

everyone has their own pace, but for everyone the following is true: there is a point when you're running so slow that it may not even be classified as running anymore...and there is a point when you're going so fast that you burn yourself out before you've even had a chance to really begin.

what else is true? good form will get you far. head up, eyes on the horizon (not down to the ground), extended as much as possible without overextending, and shoulders relaxed. that's the most important part--relaxing the shoulders. because without being relaxed, you won't ever get as far as you want; when you're too tense, you'll worry too much about not making it. all of this and trust in yourself--that's what makes for a good run.

help find amber devoe.

2011-06-30T11:06:00.005-04:00

i don't often put up posts asking people to do things, but when i do, you know it's urgent. amber devoe is my friend, deanna's, ex-gf, and amber has been missing for over a week. originally from michigan, amber moved to jamaica plain in boston only a few months ago. the last record of amber is on the night of 6/21, and no one--not her friends, not her family, not her daughter, has heard from her since. deanna has been living at my house for the past month, and so we've got a little search party headquarters going on in my living room. it also means this search hits close to home (literally).

regardless of where you are, if you can do any of the following, it would help the effort immensely:

"like" the facebook page created for her
"share" the above facebook page on your own page
if you're in new england: print out a flyer and post it where a lot of people can see it (get permission from folks first if applicable so that the flyer doesn't get torn down)
text/email friends in the new england area to spread the word

***

during winter 2009, my friend kate texted me to ask whether i had seen my ex-gf around lately. thinking it was strange and out of the blue (i had cut off all contact with my ex), i asked kate why she was randomly asking. it turned out that my ex was missing--she had, at the time, moved in with her mother, and no one in her family had been able to locate her for days. she was unresponsive to their calls and texts and emails.

i can't tell you the mix of emotion that hit me when i learned all of this. i took on a "keep calm and carry on" veneer, but i honestly felt a mix of fear for her, fear for me, sadness, all accompanied by this knot in my stomach. how do you take the news that someone you deeply loved for over a year is missing? to hear that there are people who love her looking for her--and she isn't anywhere to be found? it's funny the strange reactions i got from a lot of my own friends, people who knew our history and who were trying to be loyal friends to me by telling me that it wasn't my problem to worry about her, that i shouldn't care for someone who didn't care for me. and while i understand that my friends were trying to keep me safe and sane, i don't understand not showing concern for another human being.

only a few months after my ex was eventually found (it only took a few days; she was fine), i couldn't get a hold of my then-gf for several hours on end. it was unlike her, and this behavior alarmed me, especially given my experience months before. i texted/called the people who i thought might know where she was or what she was up to. every single one of them made me feel as if i was crazy. my then-gf's reaction (apparently, she was sleeping and ignoring my calls) was to make me feel as if i had deliberately embarrassed her. i was told never to contact her friends or family again.

if i was in amber's shoes, i would hope that as many people that are looking for her would look for me. i would hope that people took my disappearance seriously and were vigilant in trying to find me. and i would hope that not only my close friends and family, but also complete strangers, would do what they could to get me back where i needed to be. it's just the human thing to do.

take your time. run deep, run wild.

2011-06-28T11:23:00.003-04:00

that's all i've got to say.

liversary.

2011-06-27T11:17:00.006-04:00

one year ago, i received a call from my father, shaky with fear and excitement, who said that he was off to the hospital to be the backup for a liver that was coming in that evening. i was sitting in a banditos meeting wherein we were planning the summer's choose your own adventure event, and my sister called to say that the liver was a go. within a couple hours i was on a plane, updated by my sister every other minute.

six hours later, i was at cpmc in san francisco, waiting with my mom, my sister, and my sister's boyfriend. i can't tell you what it's like to think the irrational and the rational at the same time. during the hours that my father was in surgery, my thoughts switched from excitement ("he's going to be so happy, he's going to have a new lease on life") to gratitude ("i can't believe someone just died and now my dad gets to live") to fear ("what if something goes wrong?"). over and over again, i thought about how the most recent years of my life had been spent learning to keep my cell phone on at all times and with a small reserve of money in the bank for just this occasion. and patched between these erratic thoughts were the smaller, more scary thoughts of the past few years: what i would say about my father if i ever had to deliver a eulogy, whether i would move back to california to live with my mom, what i expected from my sister in such a time. all of this culminating in my dad's first words as he came out of the anesthesia: "eight hours until wrastling."

that was a year ago. today, my dad is alive. he is well. he takes his medication when he needs to. he goes to the doctor when he needs to. he does not drink or smoke or do drugs. he reminds me as often as he can that his liver is healthy and that i should take care of myself. he sings in a choir, he visits with friends and family, and he makes plans with my mom. he takes care of the dogs, and he goes to work. a year later, my dad is a new man from the person who was constantly tired and cranky and forgetful (okay, he's still a little forgetful).

today, my dad decided to put up a facebook post (he got facebook while he was recovering) expressing his joy and his gratitude. here, i echo his sentiments. on the one hand, today is bittersweet. as my family celebrates our new chance, the extension of the time we get to be a complete family, another family is mourning the loss of their family member. but on the other hand, i hope jeff's family finds solace in the knowledge that jeff was a hero in life and in death. our family will never forget jeff, and he and his family are always at the forefront of our thoughts.

***

my father and i have not had the best relationship. we mutually hated each other for a very long time. we've each done a lot of work, some spurred by his sickness and some spurred by our own personal growth, in seeing each other as people, as individuals. i think it's really hard for people to move out of a parent-child dynamic into a person-person dynamic, and this was certainly true of my dad and me. it's difficult to forgive a person for being a hypocrite, for making mistakes, for making poor choices. but when you realize just how human those things are, you also tend to realize how hypocritical it is to hold those things against someone else. between my dad and me, this went both ways.

i guess sometimes it takes the specter of death to get some people to put aside petty bullshit and realize what really matters. i'm sad that my dad and i wasted so much time hating each other for no good reason. now, i recognize that i only have one father. and that my father barely had his own. even though he has had to wing this fatherhood thing without his own example, i'm lucky for having someone who even tries. and, as my dad has told me over the course of my growing up: you can only expect to give it the best you've got.

my dad and i still have our differences. we still get on each other's nerves. but we also respect one another for who we are, faults, mistakes, and all. and i am forever thankful that i've been given additional time to learn about who my dad is and to learn from him.

thank you, jeff, for being so selfless. thank you, dad, for being a fighter.

2011: summer of peeps. update #1.

2011-06-19T02:49:00.014-04:00

2011 has been dubbed by (guess who?) me and peeps as the summer of peeps (that's collective, me and her). this summer is our summer. we are going to make it our own, and nothing will stop us. in this first month of the summer of peeps, i am proud to announce our initial success. let's keep it rolling, peeps.

BRING IT.

lilliputian.

2011-06-10T02:42:00.013-04:00

alan and i were having a roommate bonding evening several months ago, and i told him flat out that there aren't many people who get to see my "core self" because i'm afraid of making myself that vulnerable to most people. when he asked who belonged to the small group who knows me better than anyone, two people were included on this list: erin and leah.

the three of us met in grad school; i believe the story goes that we were fast friends, meeting and hanging out within the first month or so of school. since then, the three of us have been inseparable. and by inseparable, i really do mean that nothing--including distance--has kept us from keeping in touch, from being in each other's lives.

sure, there have been points in time when we've been away from one another. we're all originally from different parts of the country, and we each have friends scattered across the nation and around the world. we've been separate for winter and summer breaks, for vacations, and now we each live in cities so far from one another that taking a plane is certainly required for us to physically occupy the same space again.

i can't tell you why we're such good friends. really, we're very different people (okay, really, we're very similar, too, but bear with me here). what drew us together was our love for and interest in policy, but that's about it. erin is a foreign policy person, i'm solely about the domestic, and leah is somewhere in the middle. leah tends to strive to what our world should be like, i tend to be a very grounded realist, and erin is somewhere in the middle. i'm a sociologist at heart, erin is an anthropologist, and leah a psychologist. get us in a room, give us a policy topic, and we can talk for days, going back and forth, both arguing and agreeing at once.

at the same time, though, we enjoy one another. there are few groups of people i find to be interesting, exciting, simply fun to be around for hours or days on end. i can see these kids and pick up where we left off--because where we left off was an update over gchat or on the phone a few days ago. one of us will think up an adventure or an idea, and the other two will expound on that idea, shaping it and molding it into something so incredibly awesome or ridiculous or amazing that it would be necessary for us to carry through with it. we share an unspoken code of trust, of loyalty, of love, of respect that allows us to just be in front of one another. and this allows us to really see, to really know one another. even when we're awful. even when we're awful to one another. even when we're embarrassed or ashamed or depressed. even when we've been shamed or ridiculed or undervalued. and it's through these times, these times where we still stand by one another, where we still dispense wisdom, where we offer literal or metaphorical shoulders to cry on, where we share our deepest secrets and desires, where we criticize one another to keep it real, where we share in the great and small joys of life--it's through these things that friendship is built. solidly, soundly.

we have each seen hell and back--and each of us has always had the other two to fall back on, to remind us who we are, to prop us up when we can't do it ourselves. a triangle is only strong when its three sides work together. we are family, not by blood, but by choice. we may be lilluputian(s), but we certainly are mighty strong women and a force to be reckoned with.

i love these kids. a ton.

the thrill of the...

2011-05-31T14:17:00.004-04:00

it's simple and

so complicated.

but there's much more

to it than that.

***

ooh, baby, baby

it's a wild world.

family.

2011-05-30T01:20:00.004-04:00

the past few weeks have revolved around family in some sense or form. family visiting, family calling, dealing with family, significant others' families. you get the picture.

my house has been inundated with these various forms of families, with the various families that our house belongs to, and that means i've had a lot of time to observe and reflect on how families operate, how they affect individuals, and a myriad of other family-related things. here are my thoughts, randomly:

1. a family supports one another, even if the reason they need support is themselves. families aren't perfect. families don't always agree (you can pick your friends, but not your blood). families come across hard or difficult times, sometimes because of the actions of one or more people in them. and because of those one or more people, sometimes the rest of the family suffers. but what i've noticed is that the families that support one another, that help each other get through the difficult times regardless of who is to blame--the families that truly forgive and work through things--these are the families where each person feels loved.

2. a family can be made of the weirdest combination of people. it's amazing to see people who would otherwise not have much in common converge to be there for a single individual. it makes me happy to see groups of people who will put aside differences to make a single day wonderful for someone they all love, to see the lengths to which the consensus about what is important is reached wordlessly across several people without question. this is the familial kind of love, a love that is part love, part admiration, part pride, part selflessness, part loyalty.

3. a family picks family. i don't mean this in a pure loyalty sense. i mean this in a "these people mean something more than just sharing DNA" sense. i mean it in a "this is what is important to me, not because i'm supposed to think this is important, but because i actually think this is important" sense. i mean it in the sense that these people are the people you miss when you are worlds away. these are the people you wish were around for the important moments and for those moments when you are your weakest. and these people wish that very same thing right back at you. to the point that you all make a concerted effort to be in each others lives for no other reason than the joy that comes from sharing existence with one another.

4. families aren't all good. some families don't foster 1-3 above. some families harbor guilt and shame and leverage these same emotions in order to control each other. and that holds everyone back.

***

a couple weeks ago, someone asked me if it was hard living so far away from my family (mother's day was coming up). to answer that question, i often tell people that the worst thing i've experienced thus far is not being there to watch my cousin's young children grow up. it's tough watching a person grow and develop through facebook pictures. it's tough knowing that the two weeks spent at home each year don't outweigh the other 50 spent not being able to see your family members and only hearing their voices every once in a while. there's nothing more joyous than being/hosting a visitor, but the flip side of that is the sadness and the emptiness when the visit is over--the thoughts of "wow, how awesome it would be if we lived near each other..." i chose a path that took me far away, and the cost has been tremendous.

for over a decade now, this path has required me to find a surrogate family, one that functions as my own does--but with more dads, moms, siblings, cousins. one that functions as a single fortress when i need to be defended, one that breaks apart and reminds me how much i have to learn when i am in the wrong. one that just wants to see me happy, one that has been my safety net when i have been at my worst. this surrogate family has included different people at different times. today, some people are constant, some people are intermittent, some people are there only when i need them. one thing i have learned over the years: i am lucky. i am lucky to live in a world where these people, my family and my surrogate family, care so much for me. my strength comes from their love. and i owe them everything for making me who i am--and making sure that i am still here today.

age ain't nothin...

2011-05-23T00:49:00.004-04:00

...but a number?

not quite late, but late enough to be defined as "late" when this was only "2 hours in" a handful of years ago.

sitting, trying to procrastinate by perusing facebook and realizing that for some, facebook is just another high school courtyard or football game or prom--and that it never has been for me.

seeing my former students' new profile pages and thinking how grown they are, now in college across the country while i'm still here--and my have those tables turned. when i new them, i was the traveler and they were the untraveled; now they see more things than i do in a given week.

glimpsing into friends' lives picture by picture, post by post and remembering who they were when i knew them well (or at least better than i know them now).

reveling in the fact that i still think the ability for me to do these things is strange and still too new. i'm not that old, but i sure remember what dial-up was like.

procrastinating from a pursuit of knowledge that i willingly, deliberately pursue as opposed to the knowledge i simply acquired by going through the motions.

wondering if the adulthood i so desperately sought to avoid by all of this has somehow passed me by, if i've made some fatal leap forward and will find myself without that sense of normalcy (because my path has not been normal)--and if i'll miss it.

listening to music because it soothes my soul, because it sings to me and not because someone else enjoys or enjoyed it.

but then...

feeling pride in the fact that my choices were all my own, even if they hurt.

finding joy in simplicity because there is no solace in drama and there is no comfort in complication.

realizing that my stories demonstrate how much i have lived--and that these stories aren't just past but present, too.

knowing that i have earned the respect of possibly the most difficult people to earn respect from--and knowing that i am truly their peer.

understanding that there are ways to grow, and continuously surrounding myself with people who have no qualms about reminding me how much i have to learn.

pushing forward...because there is no other way to push. and learning to be okay with those things that are new, that are scary, but are ultimately wonderful and rewarding.

***

i, in my "old" age, am a happy kid. all in all, where i am and who i am--none of these things are bad in the least. i'm lucky to be able to say that about myself. and i'm lucky to have people in my life who make this world just that much more enjoyable.

worth it.

2011-05-20T18:53:00.004-04:00

there is nothing like ditching work and responsibility to meet up in boston, grab a cup of coffee, walk around the fens, and see some ridiculously good art. dale chihuly's exhibit is at the mfa, and it is gorgeous, each room more magnificent than the next. totally worth not doing what you should be doing. especially when the company can appreciate it, too.

summer is so close.

2011-05-15T15:59:00.008-04:00

Q: what do you get when you put me in a bar after three beers, sitting smooshed in between an obviously fighting couple and a newly divorced lesbian who is talking to the live music performer's gf about jewelry?

A: a great moment for people watching.

Q: what do you get when you take the above scenario, add a couple beers, two guys from NH (one of whom is totally stoned out of his mind), and a chatty bartender?

A: new friends, a free irish car bomb, and random kisses from strangers...all absorbed over desserts on sticks. that and a chatty (hopefully not annoying) me on the car ride home.

it's been so long since i've had the freedom to just do things on a whim, do what i want when i want. school has played a big role in that. now that school is (almost!) over for the year and my summer plans include a whole lot of nothing, i'm really looking forward to more nights like the one above, where my mood and my company make for the most ridiculous stories and overall an awesome evening.

UPDATE: apparently, i took people on a tour of JP on the ride home. and i wasn't the only one who woke up with the "cocktail flu." ha.

where i get it from.

2011-05-08T12:55:00.006-04:00

i called my mom to wish her a happy mother's day.

dad: hello?

me: you're not mom.

dad (in high pitched voice): hello? is this my anak? [anak = child]

me: yes....mom. serious, where's mom?

dad (in high pitched voice): oh, i'm so happy you called me! is this precious and gyzmo? [those are the dogs]

me: .....

dad (in high pitched voice): oh, that's so nice of you to call me on mother's day, precious and gyzmo, my only children! my two children!

me: where's mom? are you even in yosemite?

dad (in high pitched voice): my only two children! you know, because the other two are illegitimate.

dad (in his regular voice): here's your mom.

mom: have you ever been here before? yosemite?

me: no. apparently, when you're a bastard child, your parents don't take you to places like that.

mom: ohhhh. that's too bad. this is my first time, and it's beautiful.

mom: so, your dad says to me, "so i'll go get the certificate and we'll have the kids sign it. then we can sign it and we're good."

me: ha.

mom: so then i said to your dad, "whoa. hold on. let's not rush into this."

mom: you know, it's like, i might enjoy being single again. you know, play the field, see what's out there.

mom: i told your sister to throw me a bridal shower. will you help her?

me: no. i can't do that. but i'll throw you a bachelorette party. start preparing now.

it's t-shirt weather(!)

2011-05-06T11:15:00.004-04:00

i'm wearing a t-shirt. and shorts. and i'm on my bike.

what could be better?

maybe some solid tunes?

redirect.

2011-05-04T00:27:00.004-04:00

my life is the same and yet not the same. it's funny what one little phone call can do to alter one's perception of reality. if you're not yet familiar with the story, i've posted it on angie's blog, mostly because it's a good story and she definitely gets more coverage than i do.

while i find this story a hilarious illustration of what my family life is like, on a more serious note, it strikes me that this little tidbit of information makes me something that i never thought i was. the positive is that it doesn't matter to anyone in my life. it's just weird to think that if i was in a different family or living in a different place, it would. isn't it strange? i'm me and yet not me.

in terms of identity, there's not much to tweak as far as my sister or i (or our parents for that matter) are concerned. but there's still an ever-so-slight shift that needs to be made. thank goodness we can all recognize social construction when we see it. i truly am thankful for being raised by people who have taught me to roll with the punches, who don't take life and the surprises it brings with too much seriousness, who recognize what is real and that what you call it doesn't matter.

my family makes me proud. (and they make me laugh, too!)

hate begets hate.

2011-05-03T01:31:00.007-04:00

unless you're living under a rock, you now know that osama is dead and while some in the US have been clamoring about obama's birth certificate, he's taking credit for all of operation kill bin laden. ugh, politics makes me sick sometimes (though, i will say the fact that the announcement interrupted donald trump's show--which i watch, true story--was impeccable).

what makes me even more sick is the fact that so many people are rejoicing in the wake of the death of a person. seriously, people? more over, seriously, god-fearing people? i can't fathom taking joy in anyone's death. have you ever experienced the death of a loved one? well, this awful man was someone's son, someone's lover, someone's dad. i am more than outraged that people think that just because this man was a nutjob it means that his death can be completely desecrated. sure, that fake facebook quote spread like wildfire, but i still agree with the sentiment: taking joy in another person's death is inhumane.

even though the facebook quote was fake, mlk did have things to say about what people are doing, namely thinking it's okay to hate just as hard because this now-dead guy did.

The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
--MLK

prior to that quote, which is one of the more often-quoted mlk quotes, he also said this:

Nonviolence is the answer to the crucial political and moral questions of our time; the need for mankind to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to oppression and violence. Mankind must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.
--MLK

his point? the more we fight, the less we solve or resolve. acting on the offensive is bad, but acting in the same way and calling it defense doesn't help anyone. nothing is accomplished by being stubborn, by being arrogant, by being proven "right." insecure people need to be "right." secure people need to be honest and just. it is only through communication that we can come to understand--not agree with, but understand--one another, and it is only through understanding can forward movement commence. love is a scary thing because to truly love is to do so even when it's difficult. in the face of something so scary, it's easy to choose the low road.

the ultimate control that we have is over ourselves and what we as individuals choose to do and not to do. let's start taking the high road and see where it gets us.

healthy.

2011-04-27T12:54:00.003-04:00

being healthy doesn't mean making a healthy choice once. it means making healthy choices on a consistent basis, as often as possible.

someone once told me that just because someone is around a long time doesn't mean they're not poison. which is true. it's good to be aware of what's around you. but it's even better when you deliberately choose NOT to engage with toxicity.

if the role don't fit me, got to be movin on.

***

here's to the summer.

underdog.

2011-04-26T16:02:00.003-04:00

i root for the underdog.

maybe it's because i'm small, and it's pretty easy to knock me down (i mean, seriously, if the wind can...). maybe it's because i'm a woman, and it's easy to assume that i'm not assertive. maybe it's because i'm quiet, and it's easy to talk over me.

or maybe it's because of some of the people i know: the person who went to her dream college and paid for it out of pocket by making burritos for her fellow classmates; the person who wanted to die because he was ashamed of his sexual orientation...and who is now one of the most fabulous, out gay men i know; the person who survived incest and yet maintains that most people are good.

life is good, but it's also often a fight, a struggle to maintain wholeness, to maintain yourself in the face of the bad things that can happen. in many ways, we are all underdogs--facing prejudice that denies fair treatment, confronted with circumstances that impede our growth and maybe even set us back, even accosted by our own demons.

i root for the underdog, that person who chooses to march on despite the unknown. that person who finds strength within to forgive, to find peace, to move forward...even when they have nothing left. that person for whom the world has done no favors, but who still does favors for others. that person who stands up when others stand down. that person who finds voice when silence is imposed. that person who gets up after every punch.

i root for the underdog because no one needs a cheerleader more. i root for the underdog because no one deserves good things more than someone who has fought to have them.

back in the day.

2011-04-25T03:02:00.002-04:00

just when i think i have insomnia beat...it's back. there's nothing worse than lying in bed, counting down the number of hours you have until it's time to get up. i figure, that's when it's time to just get up and do things. you know, look up potential flights, ID what is necessary to change over a driver's license, find dance classes, the usual things that get away from the daylight hours.

it's also fun to do these things to a little bit of a soundtrack. tonight's belongs to 90's r&b: janet, aaliyah, blackstreet, k-ci & jojo.

humans are interesting creatures because they can store ridiculous amounts of memory. and they're even more interesting because lots of memories are triggered by the senses--you see a flash of the right color combination, you smell that one specific aroma, you hear that one song and all of a sudden you're somewhere, sometime else.

90's r&b puts me in my parents' 1992 toyota camry. it was green. i was allowed to use it on days when i had track practice and no one (re: my boyfriend) could take me home. i was also allowed to use it to go out with friends; i was the only one without a curfew, so i was often the driver for bowling or movie outings. 90's r&b doesn't put me in that car with anyone but myself. i'm in the car, windows down, music blasting (on either WILD 107.7 or 106.1 KMEL JAMS). it's late night, sometime around 1am, and i'm on the freeway. 90's r&b taught me the joy of solitude, of the night, of driving alone. allowing myself to sing at the top of my lungs the songs i knew by heart as i sped down the freeway, taking the sharp turn down the hill toward my parents' house--i can still feel the chill down my spine from the crisp air. here, 13 years later, i can close my eyes and some songs just make all of those memories flood back into my mind.

if only i knew then what i know now.

i would have enjoyed it all that much more.

happy easter!

2011-04-24T21:36:00.002-04:00

not quite begun.

2011-04-21T02:54:00.004-04:00

i learned that narcolepsy is when you fall asleep less than five minutes after your head hits the pillow. and insomnia is when you fall asleep more than thirty minutes after you attempt to snooze. guess what i have right now.

what better way to enjoy sleep deprivation than to write.

***

not quite begun.

it's odd.

you are one of my best friends and one of my worst enemies.

our silent truce

betrays that we have each met our match.

it's odd.

how history or fate or the world

puts us where we are when we are.

timing is everything...and nothing...at once all together.

what's really odd is that i remember

exactly what you wore on the day we met:

you, in your green dress

and me in my chucks.

that's pretty irrelevant.

it's odd.

you and i lead separate

and yet parallel lives.

you, in your green dress and

me in my chucks.

***

wanderlust beckons.

heh.

2011-04-20T10:41:00.000-04:00

them.

2011-04-14T09:37:00.004-04:00

she & him

she: i just called. they're open.

him: well, if you've got the number to the bar handy, we know who the hip one is. i'll search for some tight pants and a plaid shirt.

she: i'll be sure to wear my keys clipped to my pants with a carabiner. oh, and will be smoking parliaments outside. it's a PBR carabiner, too. extra points.

him: my carabiner is MADE out of RECYCLED PBR cans. extra points x2 for me.

she & her

her: i'm scared of you, but i hope you see i'm trying.

she: i love you, but i don't know who you are anymore.

***

big mistakes? who knows?

all i can do is keep breathing.

i love music.

2011-04-11T16:33:00.003-04:00

if i could only keep three material things in my life, they would be music, a charger so i could listen to said music, and my bike. with just these things, i would be happy.

***

there's beauty in the breakdown.

out of sight, out of mind.

2011-04-09T20:59:00.005-04:00

i'm exhausted by all of this. she doesn't care about me. and i don't care about her. or him. this is a nonsensical cycle that needs to stop.

so let it stop. right now.

dawn.

2011-04-09T04:37:00.000-04:00

birds start to chirp. the sun peeks out. a new day begins. decisions must be made.

but, then again, if one has decided to walk home at dawn instead of staying over, a decision has already been made.

in the world.

2011-04-04T00:06:00.001-04:00

being in the world brings such things as:

-dive bar drinking

-stimulating email conversation

-new drinks and new inside jokes

-the promise of cupcakes

-impromptu ice cream

-a new bunny picture

-more bike riding more of the time, both alone and together

life is good in the world. i am happy.

reluctance.

2011-04-03T10:47:00.000-04:00

every year, the pillow fight reminds me but how difficult and how freeing it is for people to let loose. it's always a very apparent thing: you end up seeing two kinds of people at the pillow fight, those who have let go and those who would like to but just can't make it over the threshold.

those who have let go have already made the decision: i'm bringing my pillow and i'm going to whack complete strangers with it. they come in groups for moral support. they come alone because their anonymity shields them. they come with their kids under the guise that they're doing it "for the kids," but really it's a family event. they wait nervously for a start, and when they hear it, they shed all convention that says their behavior may be improper--they balk all social norms for the sake of letting loose, of being free, even just for a moment. it's amazing to watch, really, because they are happy. you can see it in their faces. the moment when the world watching melts away and all around them are people who are just the same--that's a moment when they just don't care about anything but the moment itself. it's unabashed joy. it's a beautiful thing to experience, and an even better thing to witness.

there's another type of pillow fight person, though, who i must admit to finding even more interesting. this is the person who just can't seem to cross that threshold, who wants to, but for some reason or another just can't. these are the people who crowd around to watch, to take pictures, to video. they comment on what they see. they point, they stare. they, too, come in groups or pairs or by themselves, but they haven't brought pillows or their hidden pillow stays that way. i find these people interesting because they are me. the onlooker, not the joiner. the sideline hanger, not the instigator. they process, they take it in--but never really as fully as they could. they claim the experience of being there, but not of partaking because they just. can't. seem. to do it.

i want to tell these people that, look, it's not so bad. i want to say that crossing the threshold isn't as terrible as they might think, that the group of people they watch can include them, wants to include them. at the same time, i know that if someone said that to me, i'd shake my head and stay standing on the sidelines. that reluctance, that hesitation to shake what society says you're supposed to do, how you're supposed to act, who you're supposed to be is so difficult to shed.

but i want to tell them that if they can find a way to ignore convention, they will be handsomely rewarded.

***

there is an element of trust that is necessary before people can allow themselves to enter the unknown. without trust, new phases and new adventures just don't happen. but i can attest that trust, even if given for no reason, always leads to an experience even better than what it seems.

invisibility cloak.

2011-04-01T19:55:00.000-04:00

sometimes, i'm so elusive, you just can't find me.

i like it like that.

the dog days are over.

2011-03-29T20:59:00.000-04:00

sometimes an evening of winging it, regardless of future prospects, is necessary to add perspective. if love is a series of fortuitous events, then Serendipity, bring it on.

man in the mirror.

2011-03-24T00:46:00.002-04:00

let us not dwell on what we can't change. let's change what we can't accept.

i sat in a crowd listening to melody barnes speak tonight. while her speech was good, it wasn't necessarily inspiring in any new way. it did, however, house some really good quotes, the best of which (i think) is written above.

to be in the world is to understand it. to be in the world is to know that the world is not just in and of itself, to know that there is both good and bad, to realize that people's behaviors garner consequences. the more one understands about being in the world, the harder it may be to sustain, to continue, to go on. ignorance is bliss, and knowledge uncovers not only beauty, but ugliness.

and, yes, there are just some things we cannot change. but there are still some things we can. to be in the world, to really be in the world, is to be an active participant. it is to do in the world. it is to be better in the world. it is to make the world better. to be an active citizen is to examine what is, understand the limits of your own control, and to do what you can when you can. to be civically engaged is to act in the interest of the community, not just yourself. as roald dahl wrote, "we are the music makers; we are the dreamers of dreams."

***

...you gotta get it right while you got the time, cuz when you close your heart, then you close your...your mind.

allston.

2011-03-21T00:32:00.002-04:00

late night allston.

i remember you when i was young and new and out to find adventure in a new city. you were where my friends new best, and you were where we were on weeknights, weekends, sometimes weekdays. i remember thinking, "wow it takes forever to get here," until erin realized that she could get someone to DD us back in her car. we'd show up at the common ground to hear jay spin some sweet beats and every so often matthew would take helm and we'd dance to his rendition of 40s female barbershop. we'd emerge shitfaced and between days and, not thinking about the class we'd need to be in in a few hours, we'd walk the streets talking about our favorite signs, like the one that says, "we're cheaper than you." sometimes, we'd make friends and ended up in houses just off comm or brighton or cambridge. we'd forget how we got there, but then would realize where we were and would scuttle off to erin's car to get us safely home.

i remember you when we all had a karaoke kick. waiting for the bus at harvard, trying to figure out cab scenarios home because we knew there would be no other way. we were a bigger group, then. it wasn't just the three of us tagging along; it was the group of us, inclusive, huge. we all had the same agenda: to sing and be fools in front of our friends who would do the same. we'd get off the bus or make the cab stop at the corner liquor store just far enough that we didn't want to walk, but let's be real: close enough that we could have. what's that clinking in my bag? just juice, sir. just juice. the number of times we took over that party room with its disco ball and its blacklight paintings, i can't count that at all. and how many times might i croon salt-n-pepa's shoop? not enough. i never remembered how we got home. but i remember all the fun.

i remember you when you were my playground for a year. an adopted playground, yes, but mine nonetheless. i had nothing better to do than head your way on the 57 from watertown, when i learned how watertown connected to newton to brighton to allston. i'd hop off and grab a quick bite from the take out dim sum place that newly opened (and is now closed). i'd walk some days; some days i'd hope on the next 66. my destination always lay either right off of comm or into brookline. if i was early, i'd stop into trader joe's to say hi to kim even though i'd likely see her in a couple hours at home. or something. it was just two of us then, and we roamed the area finding new places to eat, new places to drink, new places to just be. we'd meet up with her friends and shoot the shit like the post-work kids we were. and by then we'd already figured out that a $20 bill would get us to her place no problem, sometimes with change to spare. we'd say hi to kim, smoke a bowl, and head to bed.

i remember how hidden you were for a while. i'd go to meetings where just down the street i could imagine everything that was there and then some. but i'd never dare walk down, for fear of running into someone i might know. i remember being on your fringes, your borders, and thinking, "am i really terrified of such a familiar place?" yes. yes i was. i would run down the street, catch the bus home, and be safe again.

***

tonight as i stood on the corner of comm and harvard for the first time in a long time, the memories came flooding back to me. allston is so deeply ingrained in my mind from just the past handful of years. the same corner i stood on to wait for the bus holds at least two stories from my past that i remember well and vividly. the mcdonalds makes me think of one group. as the 66 passes up cambridge, it makes me think of another. the blanchards holds memories that aren't even my own. and the closed and run down restaurants and shops hold others.

allston, you are quintessential boston. there is no other place in no other city like you.

cleaning house.

2011-03-20T15:46:00.000-04:00

the more i clean, the more i find. most of it being broken promises in the form of date night reservations scribbled down but never made, unrealized plans in the form of groupons stacked high with things we had planned to do, and thoughtlessness in the form of gifts i've never used.

this isn't how it was in the beginning. this is how it became. she became too overwhelmed with us, too overwhelmed with what we were, and she shut down. she just shut down, closed up shop, and walked away. she didn't care what she left behind. she just wanted to run away, but the reality is she left devastation in her wake, and now i'm here to clean it up.

big moves.

2011-03-19T02:11:00.001-04:00

erin is leaving tomorrow morning. when she does, that will leave me holding down the boston fort. katie left for NY, leah left for SF, and now erin is leaving for seattle. with every move, i've been sad for losing having a close friend nearby, but happy for each person's new chapter in life. i've been the mover for so long, and now i'm learning how to be the person left behind. it's a lonely feeling. a very lonely feeling.

but, having been the mover, the knowledge that the person leaving is going to go on to see adventure, meet people, be in the world--experience more of life--is something that i would never want to take away from anyone, no matter how painful it is for me. the friend in me knows that contentment is a goal to be reached; the traveler in me believes that contentment is the first sign of the need for change.

go, my friends. and use adventure to find your contentment. you deserve it. you deserve it all. we will see each other sooner than any of us thinks.

till now, i always got by on my own...

2011-03-16T23:26:00.002-04:00

the thing about living with alan is that he allows me to push him to think differently about certain things that he may or may not care to or want to think about. conversely, this forces me to think in different ways about myself.

save for about six months in 2009, most of my adult life has been spent both laying the foundation of my own values and beliefs and rooting myself in this foundation. i will be blunt: i'm a pretty fucking stubborn person. changing my core values and beliefs is a feat. very few people have caused me to reframe my image or sense of self. this is both good and bad: it means that i feel and present as solid in who i am, but it also means that i'm pretty inflexible when it comes to needing to change for people, situations, anything really.

usually, my thought is this: this is who i am, fuck 'em if they don't like it. that's not bad in and of itself, just when it deters growth. prior to tonight, no one had ever asked me to plainly explain myself. i've always let people figure it out for themselves, misperception or not. prior to tonight, i figured, "hey, if they bother, they'll find something, and if they like what they see through their lenses, then cool. if they don't, i'm not going to bother to explain. if they have a misperception, they'll figure it out sooner or later. not my problem. it's theirs."

i realize that i have this "fuck 'em" attitude because the social constructionist in me says that you will see me as you want to see me, no more and no less. you will take what i tell you, add your layer of perception on top, and that's who i am. i don't have to agree with you. i will always be that person you see, regardless of whether i try to tell you otherwise. so forget explaining myself. it's moot. you'll see me how you want. fuck it.

and yet...yet i get upset, so very upset, when people who i love can't see who i think i am. it's not so easy to say "fuck 'em" when the "'em" is someone who means something to you. in fact, it hurts to be seen and yet unseen at the same time. it feels like a direct attack on the soul. and that is the most awful feeling i have ever felt. it causes so much pain that i have said and done things i regret just to make it go away, just to make things right--and these words and actions have in turn caused me to question who i really am. i can't believe a single person can shake me, to my core, so much.

"...but the secret is still my own."

***

sometimes, when confronted with the truth, it's hard for people to make sense. sometimes, when confronted with something good, people doubt what they see and must find something, anything bad. judgement is what it is; it is made in context. but sometimes, when judgements are made, everyone loses.

tao.

2011-03-13T11:05:00.000-04:00

"When I say detachment, it means that you don't connect with the emotion that others have for you. The fear or envy someone has for you, the need to leave you, or leave the situation. That's their stuff. Your business is to be aware and always know that you are synonymous with what is going on around you. And that way, your feelings don't get hurt when they make a decision that doesn't agree with you." --E. Badu

sometimes it all just falls into place. the work gets done, even though you owed an impossible number of hours. the papers get written, even though the deadlines are close. the house (and your room, most importantly) gets cleaned, even though countless layers of dirt and dog hair abound. you bike, even though your body isn't used to the hills. plans are made, even though time and money are lacking. friends continue to prove their friendship, even though you all live in different states and different cities. pandora picks the songs you need to hear, even though you just found a new station. you meet people, even though the new memories are slowly crowding out the old.

sometimes, life just comes together. when you let it.

dust to dust.

2011-03-09T19:56:00.000-05:00

repent--and believe in the gospel.

today is ash wednesday. for those of you know don't know my stance on religion, i was raised catholic, but i really don't agree with nor practice most of what catholicism teaches. i do, however, hold onto particular rituals, my favorite of which is receiving ashes on ash wednesday. tonight, instead of the typical "remember, you are dust, and to dust you shall return," the priest stated "repent--and believe in the gospel" while he anointed my head with ashes made of last palm sunday's palms. and that is what this blog post is about.

i will say that while this two-pronged statement sounds WAY more religious to resonate with me than you would think, i enjoyed it and took it to heart because i interpreted it literally. first, i took it as "repent," which, as was explained in tonight's homily, is derived from the greek "metanoia," meaning to "change one's mind/change one's way of thinking." how completely appropriate! i've never viewed ash wednesday as a day to wallow in the guilt of one's sins and wrongdoings; on the contrary, i've thought of it as a day similar to the jewish yom kippur--a day where you think about how you can change. and then, during lent, you do...even if it's just a little bit. to me, it's always been about the good faith effort put forth to change for the better--one's heart, one's mind, one's soul, one's life. it's about choosing, deciding to be better and actively pursuing that choice with all of your self. it's the idea of "tikkun olam"--which means "repair the world"--being better to contribute something to this terrible world, to quit free-riding and to actually do something good...because if all of us did so, just think about how much better we'd all be for it.

the other half of tonight's ashes ritual encompasses the phrase "believe in the gospel." i took this literally, too. tonight's gospel was taken from the gospel of matthew (mt 6:1-6, 16-18). the point is to do the right thing, to live a right life, but not to be proud and pompous about it. and that's what i took from the "believe in the gospel" message of tonight: be good. be good for the sake of being good, for the sake of being a positive force in the world, for the sake of making a contribution, for the sake of making the world a better place.

***

tomorrow will mark a year since i got down on my hands and knees and washed her feet. tomorrow is what catholics call "holy thursday," the craziest day in jesus' life. part of catholic services for holy thursday reenact the story of how jesus washed his disciples' feet (an act reserved for servants) prior to his last supper. the story conveys the importance of humility--that no matter how awesome you're supposed to be, no matter how good you think you are, you're no better than anyone else...you and me and everyone else share in the human condition.

a year ago tomorrow, i invited her over to talk, but really to never see her again. i sent her off by practicing this tradition because i wanted to show her that i wasn't sending her off because i thought i was better than her or because she was less than me. i was sending her off because she took away from my life what i love the most: being in the world. i got on my hands and knees. i washed her feet. and i said goodbye for what i thought was the last time. it should have been.

***
tonight's ash wednesday take-away resonated with me mostly because i don't give things up for lent; i try to think of things i can work on to be better. this year's goal for lent is to be better by being more a part of the world. i feel like the first step to making the world a better place is to actually be, to participate, in the world. in the last year, i've become less and less a part of the world. in the past week, i've started to make choices that are actually good for me--including hanging out with people who love me, meeting new people, and being active in my community. this lent, my goal will be to continue this healthy behavior: for 40 days, i'm either going to choose to do something positive for someone else or something positive for me.

here's to change.

***

don't fix my smile. life is long enough.

we will put this flesh into the ground again.

i've said it before...

2011-03-06T23:31:00.000-05:00

...and i'll say it again.

learning new things!

2011-03-06T23:06:00.003-05:00

a few years ago, i was dating karin. during the course of our dating, she had told me these stories about her crazy former roommate, brandon, who was a drunk and terrible roommate, who had few friends and was lonely and a little creepy and weird. i met brandon while karin and i were dating, and given what karin had told me, i avoided him for the most part.

fast forward a few years to when karin and i had broken up and brandon had become better friends with my friend, kate. kate started hanging out with him a lot and eventually was employed by him. through kate, i learned that brandon is one of the nicest, funniest, silliest, most fun people i've ever randomly met. he's so laid back, he's always game to go out and have an adventure, he's hardworking, and he's an overall nice guy. upon realizing this, i began to feel awful that someone else's skewed world view had so thoroughly influenced my own.

tonight i became privy to information that has only reinforced my most recent relationship decision. being on the "other side of the stage door," so to speak has really opened my eyes to what was, apparently, just the next thing in a string of deceptions and farces. in a similar fashion, i'm ashamed of myself, that i wasn't able to learn these things on my own or for myself.

but i guess it's better to learn now than never.

the truman show.

2011-03-05T16:38:00.003-05:00

One does not love a place the less for having suffered in it unless it has all been suffering, nothing but suffering. -- Jane Austen

i think of jim carrey in the same way i think of johnny depp. well, except jim carrey is less dreamy. i have a love/hate of his films, too, some of which have been amazing, and some of which have been bunk. the truman show, however, was one that made me think about what "reality" really is and what it means to different characters in it.

in the film, carrey's character lives a life that is completely fabricated for him. it's manufactured; a director plays god with truman's life--his whole life--and creates the ultimate in reality tv. the film aligns the viewer with truman, makes the viewer empathetic to truman's slow realization that what he has thought to be real isn't really real at all.

but isn't it?

sure, his physical environment and his relationships were all made up, but the whole concept of "the truman show" was to display one person's own choices, thoughts, ideas for all to see. it was a social experiment* with a sample of one, and the results were intriguing because of how real they were. for truman, and for the viewers, his own experience was very real--in fact, it was his life. for truman, his feelings of love, of loss, of day-to-day being were all real even though the rest of his world was not. after all, as the character christof states, "we accept the reality of the world with which we are presented." so what's reality, then? is reality what we experience, even if in retrospect it's fabricated?

the film ends with truman finding out for himself that his life was lived on a set. we never get to see what happens to him after his suspicions are confirmed, after he takes a bow and walks off the stage. we never learn about his emotional range in looking at his life in retrospect, we never find out what he does beyond walking through that stage door. does truman feel anger towards the director? towards the actors? does he feel lost or naive or used or taken advantage of? does he now feel free?

alternately, we never learn about the emotions that the director and the other actors feel upon watching their grand deception collapse. do they feel shame? pride in their artistic creation? was it just another job that they can put on their resume? do they not care at all?

*an experiment is where the assignment and treatment are under the control of the experimentor.

****

in the past week, i've been able to start piecing together what my last year really looked like. it was probably very apparent to an outsider, but to someone on the inside, it looked and felt so very different. now that i've exited through my own stage door, i can survey my past year and define what the rest of the world likely knew all along: it was a sham, a farce. i was truman, on display and taken advantage of, without ever knowing that that's what it really was.

from this side of the stage door, i can attest to feeling hurt and angry that my real emotions and feelings were used for some purpose other than what they were intended. but i can also say that being on this side of the stage door opens up another world, one that i once knew and have forgotten about. it's a world with friends who care about me, a world with places to go and new people to meet, a world with music and drinks and restaurants and grocery stores. it's the world that i have long encouraged her to be a part of, not knowing that in doing so, i was distancing myself farther and farther away from it. if this past week has taught me anything, it's that it's pretty easy to want and hope for a particular reality--even a very plausible one, but when it comes down to what's real, sometimes what you want or hope for just isn't there. it's important to recognize that at some point because what awaits on the other side of the door, while maybe different, is always much, much better than what you could ever have imagined...and it's all real.

we could have had it all, but you played it to the beat.

rolling in the deep.

2011-03-03T12:58:00.000-05:00

yes, you played it to the beat.

you're gonna wish you never had met me.

what a sage.

2011-03-01T19:04:00.002-05:00

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened...or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on." — Tupac Shakur

chasing pavements.

2011-02-11T18:39:00.002-05:00

should i give up, or should just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads no where?
-- adele, "chasing pavements"

picture it. early spring, 2004. i'm in DC for the third time in my life, lobbying for students' rights. it's colder than my california spring; it's overcast. i'm out by myself, to think, to clear my head, to recoup and regroup. camera in hand, i wander alone while the rest of my group is sightseeing and drinking.

i'm thinking of all of the "no"s i heard earlier in the day, of all of the aides or actual congresspeople who have told me that the thing i am so passionate about, that i have crossed the country to discuss, is something that they just can't do or just won't do. i'm thinking of "no"s i'll hear the next day. i'm thinking that i've hit a wall in terms of fighting the good fight, of taking it seriously anymore. i'm a tough kid, i can handle a lot of bruising, but sometimes the fight just seems worthless. sometimes it just seems hopeless. sometimes i think about the battle scars and realize that sacrificing myself for others isn't all that it's chalked up to be. no wonder most people don't or won't. i don't blame them. maybe i shouldn't either. maybe i'm the fool who has learned her lesson the hard way.

and that's when i look up. i don't really know why. well, i kind of do. i'm short. i'm always looking up. but i don't really know why i chose to look up at this precise moment. anyway, i looked up then, and this is what i saw:

i looked up, and my perspective changed. i looked up, and the world was little less ugly, and a little more beautiful. picturesque, even. i looked up, i reframed, and i found myself thinking that maybe reframing and readjusting are necessary paths to innovation and creativity...and hope.

***

seven years later, i find myself thinking of my life thus far, thinking of specific moments, of specific situations, of specific people, and wondering whether what i've made of myself in the short-run and in the long-run is meaningful in any way, whether my minuscule life thus far has contributed something, anything to the greater universe. particularly lately, i've doubted myself in more ways than i can count, and i know it shows (that's how you know it's pretty bad).

and then today, i spent the day with someone i love doing mundane things i love like driving around and eating muffins and grocery shopping and discussing health care reform. i derive hope out of very small things, like holding hands while i drive or knowing that a "surprise" coffee will make her morning. days like today help me reframe, help me gain perspective. it is an uphill battle sometimes. but that doesn't mean the battle scars aren't worth it.

i missed the bus, and there'll be hell today. i'm late for work again. and even if i'm there, they'll all imply that i might not last the day, but then you call me and it's not so bad, it's not so bad.
-- dido, "thank you"

take my lead.

2011-01-22T21:16:00.000-05:00

several things in my life have converged to make me start thinking about leadership.

i'm reading The Prince right now (for fun), and it seems to me that our notions of leadership as "appoint yourself to a leadership role and order people around" date back pretty far. machiavelli wrote The Prince as a "how-to" for people who were just beginning their leadership roles. he had seen people in positions of power defeated because of lack of judgement or precaution. his advice: fortify yourself in as many ways as possible, strike when it's advantageous, and keep the people happy enough that they won't rebel, but weak enough that they won't strike back. clearly, empires have been built on this kind of leadership, so it's got to be effective. but is there more to it than that?

my organizational theory professor says yes. she says that there's much more to leadership and governance than just "do what i say." there's relating to people. there's understanding needs and wants; there is reciprocation. her point is this: why subjugate people to your tyranny when you can work with people to create governance?

the interesting thing is that in implementation, rule by force certainly gets results, but without the consent of many. here, detractors go unheard and no challenges exist. in implementation, rule by cooperation is slow, but incorporates everyone's voice. in addition to that, detractors are heard and heard quite loudly--because they can be.

today's musing: are types of leadership gendered? is tyrannical rule "masculine"? is relational leadership "feminine"? what does this say about the world and how we live in it? what does this say about war or poverty? if you were thrown into a leadership role, would you rule by force or by cooperation? if the former, would you critique yourself as you went along? if the latter, would you criticize your collaborators?

food for thought.

life and death.

2011-01-09T01:34:00.001-05:00

"we don't actually fear death. we fear that no one will notice our absence, that we will disappear without a trace."

this post may seem a bit morbid, but i reassure you that the spirit in which it is written is not so. today, i went to josh's dad's memorial service, and that got me thinking about death and all that comes with it. it made me realize that there's actually a lot to think about when it comes to death: living, surviving, mourning, celebrating, guilt, loss, love, deliverance. my thoughts about death are scattered and short. they are collected, as much as possible, here.

***

i grew up catholic. when someone dies, we have wakes. most of the time, the casket is open. when i was young, my dad taught me to not fear the dead. he taught me to walk up to the casket, reeking of formaldehyde. he taught me to look at the person, to remember their face. he taught me to touch their hands, their shoulder. because, regardless of whether their soul exists or not, is here or gone, their vessel is how i knew them, and i will never get to see or touch that vessel again. i think my dad thinks this way because his own father died when he was 14.

***

my mom told me about her old co-worker and our family friend, bella. bella died three years ago of a brain tumor she had been battling for over a decade. near the end, bella's family informed everyone who had touched her life that they should come visit and say their goodbyes. my parents showed up when she was resting. suddenly, she opened her eyes and exclaimed my parents names. she was so happy to see them. and then she fell back asleep. my mom knew she had gotten joy from their presence.

bella's oldest daughter writes a blog to her still. she writes it as a letter. bella told her husband that she didn't want him to sit around and be sad. he has had a girlfriend for quite some time now.

***

the only thing i know about when i die: i want a party with good music.

***

dementia can be difficult for everyone involved. there's no cure, so it often seems like there is no hope. it's difficult to see someone you always equated with being so able, being so funny, being so opinionated, so...everything...with someone who has no clue who you are, who has no recollection of the fondest memories you've shared, who has no memory of their former selves. it is difficult to explain yourself and your relationship to the person every time you see them or later that same day. it is difficult because you feel as if the memories you've made with that person have fallen apart because that person can no longer hold up their end. it is difficult because you then must find joy in the moment, in the fleeting moment that will cease to exist tomorrow or in an hour. but sometimes, sometimes those moments live on as stories of something funny, something random, something unexpected. and through those moments-as-stories, those memories are held strong.

***

my mom's outlook on death is that it is a fact of life. she's in her mid-fifties now, but so many of her peers have died, you'd think she was much older. i've only seen her really cry at her mother's funeral. for everyone else, she is stoic. she is a pillar of strength. her thoughts are practical: we can only move on, so we do.

every once in a while something will remind her of an old friend, and her stories will pour like a waterfall. it is in those moments, in her telling of those anecdotes, that you see the glint in her eyes: she carries her friends with her.

***

my grandfather just turned 83. he writes books. the last chapter of his most recent book is titled "the unfortunate life of bert balangue in his 82nd year." i asked him why he thought this. he told me that i'd have to read the book to find out.

***

let's end on a high note...

a year ago, my dad was relegated to the house, for the most part. he was lethargic. he was sick. he was sad. now, a year and a new liver later, he is happy, he is lively, he is jovial again. transplants are mysteries; you're not supposed to know who donated the organ because someone had to die in order for you to live. over christmas, my sister, my mom, and i gave my dad a scrapbook documenting his transplant. we kept interesting conversations and cards and facebook screenshots. one of those facebook screenshots contained a conversation about what my dad should name his liver. the conversation never came to a settled resolution.

a week before thanksgiving, my dad learned his liver's name: jeff. since then, my dad has kept jeff at the forefront of his thoughts. because of jeff, my dad gets a second chance to live.

our bodies, ourselves.

2010-12-21T00:11:00.001-05:00

"and i swear, you're just like a pill. instead of making me better, you're making me ill."--pink, "just like a pill"

moments after i walked in the door, my grandfather was standing in the hallway next to me, telling me of his latest trip to the hospital, about how he had recently gotten a couple plastic tubes taken out of his body. he then stood next to me, bracing his body against the railing, closed his eyes, and told me about how difficult it is for him to sleep or be comfortable.

hours later, my dad came home from work. he walked into the kitchen and said, "i was at work today." this is an accomplishment considering that five months ago he received a 30-year-old kidney in his 56-year-old body. he bounced around the kitchen, putting groceries away, chatting with me about work, and chasing the dogs away from food. within 30 minutes, he was on his way to run errands and pick my mom up from work.

***
last spring, i read an article by irving zola, a former professor, medical sociologist, and disability rights activist out of brandeis university. rr. zola wrote the book Missing Pieces about his own life as a person with polio. he wrote about how he saw the world, but more so about his perception of how the world saw him. dr. zola's writing is a prime example of how the body affects the mind, how physical states can affect mental states.

watching my grandfather and my father side by side is a strange thing. my grandfather, a proud man in all regards, has been forced by the slow shut down of his body to give up many things he took for granted. his ability to go to the bathroom alone, his ability to be mobile and agile, his independence. he has given these up because his body has forced him to; he would be unwilling otherwise. juxtapose him with my father, who has been long resigned to his illnesses, but currently and quite literally has a new lease on life: a man who once struggled with a body that forced him to slow everything down to the point where sleep was the most viable option, is now a man who is constantly on the go. all because of one new replacement part.

as someone who is constantly in her own head, who takes for granted the state of her own body, i don't think i've given much thought to my ability and the freedoms it provides. awareness of my thoughts is ever-present for me, but the effect my body has on those thoughts rarely enters into my consciousness. i never wake up thinking about what I will put into my body, how much i'll need to give it, what i'll need to do to maintain myself. i never go through my day worrying whether i'll be able to get my body through the wear and tear of the rest of the afternoon. i never go to sleep wondering whether i'll have the strength to do it all again tomorrow. it's interesting, mostly because it's one of those things where...you don't know what you've got till it's gone. and rare is the person, like my father, where you actually get a second chance to cherish what you have.

***
dad: do you still drink?
me: yes.
dad: oh. well, i don't. i take care of my body.

because you are lonely, but you are not alone.

2010-12-11T14:03:00.000-05:00

home.

2010-12-09T19:43:00.000-05:00

have you ever felt this way about someone?

i have.

silver lining.

2010-08-23T11:04:00.001-04:00

sometimes your vintage terry bike gets stolen.
sometimes your advisor is terminally ill.
sometimes the air conditioning on the bus hasn't been turned off even though it's cold outside.
sometimes you go into work and realize that you could have worked from home.
sometimes your report isn't written.
sometimes your book will be read before your journey is close to over.
sometimes your day is long.
sometimes you don't have an umbrella on a day that the rain won't stop.

it is during these times that the following are most important:
friends who see the silver lining.
friends who re-find themselves and so refind you.
friends who wake up in a good mood before you call to wake them up.
friends who ask you how you feel.
friends who send you things like this:

MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.

welcome to the fall.

3pm bike ride brain dump.

2010-08-21T16:29:00.002-04:00

which way does this take me? nick said that i could go this way and i'd get to the ramp to mass ave, but i don't see it. oh there it is. wow, this is closer than i thought. i should have taken this way here. oh but wait. no, it would have been the same thing. i think. watch the strollers. aw crap i need to get off and turn around. wow, this bridge is definitely beautiful. in fact, i think it's one of my favorite rides. but not a favorite walk. interesting. one of work co-worker's twitter posts used the #firstworldproblems hashtag. so true. i do have first world problems. i don't know how i feel about that. and now i will go, even though i have a red light. i love being on a bike. except for people in crosswalks. they never all cross together. good thing i got cash because that burrito is sounding good right now. al pastor. yum. or i can stop at the mcd's and grab a cheeseburger. yeah, a cheeseburger will tide me over. i am still pretty far.

there are a ton of places closed here. that's sad. everything's going out of business. no more pearl. no more whatever that was. i wonder who will buy these, what will go in these spaces. i mean, will they make it? i wonder if the rent went up. who can pay that? will this change the vibe of central square? maybe. ah, but in harvard, it looks like business is booming. that's weird. it's only a few blocks away. but i guess people have money to spend around harvard. ah, a cop. better slow down and stop breaking rules. dang, he's going slow. let's just legally pass him before the big intersection. because you know i'm going to just ride into traffic there. how random. "i was given this world, i didn't make it." tupac? where did that come from? i'm listening to rilo kiley. well, it's true. so many people out. jesus lady you're not even looking at me as i run this red light. i might have been hit. some people really need to pay attention. i look like a pirate. ha. do people think that's weird? oh well. what can i do now? oh wait. i have food at home. i can just eat that instead of the burrito. save money. plus, i'll REALLY want the burrito later. ooooh i'll ride by the bike place. nothing small enough. does this yard sale have anything good? nah. ooooh maybe i can check CL to see if there are any good ones on the way home.

aw, check out that lady with the baby strapped to her. is that really heavy? is she tired? wow, now i get why this turning lane is always green. makes things so much easier! church street. nope. park. nope. not a street. nope. chapel. oh wait. chapel. not church. oh well. i can take hall. whoa some of these houses are gorgeous. and this is uphill. unanticipated. how much do these cost? that one is for sale. where's christy when you need her? what the hell is this street? if i were buying a house, i'd buy one here. but it's probably ridiculously expensive. oh there's willow. hey a desk. hey lauren's house. is that diana's? i hope this car knows i'm about to cut it off. i could signal, but i don't feel like it. it looks like that house has dumped itself out on the lawn. anything good? good thing i have cash on me, just in case. god i love biking.

rediscovery.

2010-08-10T01:15:00.000-04:00

sometimes in the middle of the night you re-find your blog, and you feel the sudden urge to post in it.

you ponder. political post about the state of the world? interesting insight caused by a random occurrence? observation about the bizarre ways humans act? or the usual? maybe just the usual. you are a creature of habit after all.

the usual reflection on relationships between people:
the quest for self-discovery is not made any easier when you have a significant other. in fact, it may be more difficult. but. at least you have the company.

truth.

2010-03-31T19:52:00.001-04:00

Man is, at one and the same time, a solitary being and a social being. As a solitary being, he attempts to protect his own existence and that of those who are closest to him, to satisfy his personal desires, and to develop his innate abilities. As a social being, he seeks to gain the recognition and affection of his fellow human beings, to share in their pleasures, to comfort them in their sorrows, and to improve their conditions of life.
--Albert Einstein

inspiration drawn from inspiration.

2010-03-28T10:16:00.001-04:00

first, check out this matt and kim video:

next, check out erykah badu's "window seat":

Or, if you'd rather (in case music isn't your thing)...

And then watch...

***
inspiration, once unleashed, becomes infectious. just as erykah badu was inspired by matt and kim, matt and kim were so inspired by the need for stress release (and maybe by this video). or, if you'd rather...just as cats inspired by kittens inspired by kittens was inspired by kittens inspired by kittens, kittens inspired by kittens was, well, inspired by kittens (duh).

we all draw our inspiration from somewhere, from something. our muses never know what they do; all they do is exist. but it is because of their existence that greatness is made, that the boundaries are pushed, that ideas are put out into the world where they belong. and it is due to the existence of our muses that we are not only inspired, but continue the contagious cycle of inspiration.

i am thankful to have found my muse.